uponmysoul

Coffee Chat: Pruning is Painful!

2010-03-29T06:10:00.001-07:00

Well, I am up very early this morning as a friend and I have decided to text each other to get up and do devotions. By God's grace, it hasn't been hard in the past to get up and spend time in His Word but I just have been getting up so late that my day feels rushed. To many, getting up at 5:30 am would be torture. Believe me...it is...for about 5 or 10 minutes. But, then, comes the sweetness of a quiet home, some quiet music, COFFEE (a must), a candle, and the blessing of approaching the throne of grace. It's just God and me...what a delight. So, after having a portion of my devotional/prayer time, I felt a blog coming on. So this is my early morning coffee chat. I'm so terrible about writing on my blog that I don't even know if anyone's reading it. But, I'm delighted to just journal for a moment :)

Back in February Dave and I were told that we had prune our bushes. A good friend from church showed me how to do it and I fear that once I had my own shears in my hands, I completely forgot everything she told me. I was slightly mortified to actually make the cut where she told me as it just seemed that I might kill the bushes. She assured me that it was necessary and that they would grow back. I wanted to believe her so badly but I'd never done this before. My bushes were about a foot above my head and she was telling me to cut them a foot above the ground. I was mortified. But, for new growth, she said I had to do it. Well, I made a few cuts and then handed over the shears to my hubby...good idea! He knew just what to do. Well, to my mortification, I walked into my beautiful front yard and what were once tall rose bushes now looked like sticks in the ground. This would all be fine and dandy if Dave and I actually owned the house we live in but all I could think was, "what will our landlord think?" Well, it couldn't have been a week later that I started seeing new growth. My friend was right, it was necessary! I wish I had a before and after because about one month later, there have got to be 30 or 40 buds on my bushes...some bushes that were so overgrown, they didn't even produce any roses. I don't know if you have any experience with rose bushes but they are truly miraculous! The leaves turn bright red as they muster up the courage and strength to produce a bud. It's really quite something.

Well, as I was walking around the garden just admiring the beauty and joy of these flowers, I got to thinking about pruning in my spiritual life. I have no control over it and only God knows when and where to prune. It's painful, it's ugly, it feels fruitless, it feels exposing. But in no time at all, what was once overgrown and dead in my heart, becomes something beautiful. What an encouragement this is to me, and I hope to you too, to realize that when God prunes, he does it because he has beautiful fruit in mind in your life. Allow the pruning process. I know it hurts, I know firsthand, and it's just not pretty. But the beauty that comes from it is unparalleled and better than what was there to begin with!

On a side note, and not a very spiritual one, while observing the new growth one morning, I saw aphids devouring my new plants. Looking up an "aphid" online, I saw that they are known for sucking all the moisture out of new plants. Oh what must have the neighbors thought, or people driving by, when I panicked and rushed outside with a bottle of insect killer and sprayed the heck out of those plants. I was furious...who do they think they are eating up my plants? Anyhow, those little pests are dead and gone and I'm over it...almost!

Amazing...

2010-02-19T10:11:00.000-08:00

I am so sad that the last time I wrote on my blog was in September!!!! So much has happened since then and I'm still in awe that it's already February! Many of you know that I was in a terrible car accident with my two sisters-in-law (David's sisters) almost right after I wrote my last post. We were in Colorado for Alissa's wedding and the three of us girls were out running errands 3 days before the wedding when we were t-boned in an intersection. By any one else's view, it was a horrific scene. I wasn't able to get my seatbelt on in time and I hit the front seat pretty hard. This has created quite a long recovery period for my neck and back but there are no serious injuries to report. We were all released from the hospital that evening and the wedding went on as planned. It would be so easy to wonder why this happened or be angry about it but the Holy Spirit gave me a completely different perspective. For one, I should have had an anxeity attack right then and there but I truly experienced a peace that surpassed ALL understanding. Before my body went into complete shock, I was instantly able to grab the phone, dial 911, and even tell them where we were. Truly, without the Spirit, I don't know how this could have happened. I was also able to call Dave and tell him where we were. He made it to the scene with his parents before I was transported to the hospital. It was such a relief to know he was there with me! Jenny had been knocked unconscious and Alissa was able to hold her and care for her during that time. God was absolutely with us!

Well, I have been receiving treatment since then and it has been quite a journey. I have good days and bad days but I am so thankful that I came away with such minimal injuries in comparison to what could have taken place. It has been pretty difficult to keep up with all the drs appointments along with working full time. I'm sure the people at work think I'm a little nuts as I have my laptop propped up on several large books so I don't have to look down too much. The accident made me realize how far I had come. During my severe anxiety attacks, one of the things I was afraid of was getting in a car accident. Well, what I feared happened and I realized how strong the Lord has made me. Truly, I am NOTHING without Him but WITH Him I can stand!

David just ordered a few CD's from Sovereign Grace Ministries. I hadn't heard them before and I definitely want to look this ministry up! I listened to the Sons and Daughters CD on my way in to work this morning and was struck by these words and so thankful for the moments of worship this morning:

(Precious Children)
Broken and defiled
Clingling to our filth
Gloried in our shame
Running far from you
Still your mercy sought and saved us

Hallelujah. We belong to you
You have washed our stains
And have raised us up with Christ
Precious children in your eyes

Gave your only Son
Joy and your delight
Nailed him to the cross
You crushed Him for our sin
How could you love us like you love Him

Hallelujah. We belong to you
You have washed our stains
And have raised us up with Christ
Precious children in your eyes

(You Never Change)
Father of light
Giver of gifts
There is no shadow in you
Author of life
Fountain of grace
Each morning your mercies are new

And you never change
And you never lie
Age to age you are the same
I will trust in you, all your faithfulness
For I know you never change!

Father of love
Source of ALL good
Tower of strength and my shield
You gave your son for those who rebel
Your love for the world was revealed

And you never change
And y ou never lie
Age to age you are the same
I will trust in you, all your faithfulness
for i know you NEVER change!

Father of peace
Help of the weak
Though mountains fall into the sea
Though tempests may rage, the sun hide its face
Your favor will rest upon me

And you never change
And you never lie
Age to age you are the same
I will trust in you, all your faithfulness
For I know you never change!

Oh sweet Jesus, how can I ever thank you for what you have done for me? How is that I am counted as one of your precious children when I am so defiled and deprived? Thank you for saving me and calling me your own. I am amazed as I look at the beautiful day you have made and realize that all creation around me are crying out to you in worship because they are doing what they were created to do...even the rocks cry out to you! I am a sinner and I chose to do the opposite of what you created me to do. But you loved me enough to pay for that sin and I can't wait to be with you one day when I can truly live out what you created me to be and that is one who loves and glorifies you! Though I am ever-changing, ever-returning to my sin and selfishness, YOU remain the same. Where is my hope but in you?

My prayer today...

2009-09-07T08:35:00.000-07:00

My heart melts at the love of Jesus,
my brother, bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh,
married to me, dead for me, risen for me;
He is mine and I am his,
given to me as well as for me;
I am never so much mine as when I am his,
or so much lost to myself until lost in him;
then I find my true manhood.

But my love is frost and cold, ice and snow;
Let his love warm me,
lighten my burden,
be my heaven;
May it be more revealed to me in all its influences
that my love to him may be more fervent and glowing;
Let the mighty tide of his everlasting love cover the rocks of my sin and care;
Then let my spirit float above those things
which had else wrecked my life.

Make me fruitful by living to that love,
my character becoming more beautiful every day.
If traces of Christ's love-artistry be upon me,
may he work on with his divine brush
until the complete image be obtained
and I be made a perfect copy of him, my master.

The Valley of Vision

The Lord hears me when I call...

2009-07-17T09:15:00.001-07:00

So, my sister-in-law told me I had to write a follow up post to yesterday and she's right, I do! God works in mysterious ways and I'm humbled and awed by His tenderness and presence in our lives. Right after I got to work yesterday, I got an email from Dave saying my parents had called on their way to the airport. They had read my email and felt it was totally the Lord speaking to them. Turns out, their time of waiting had finally come to an end and God had answered. They have been desperately trying to sell their house, as they felt God's leading, and it has been quite the rollercoaster. First, it was, "I can't believe you're selling the house." We were ALL so sad. But, we knew if God was leading, then it had to be so. Then, they were showing the house constantly, got an offer, and it totally fell through. Suddenly, it became, "Ugg...I wish you could sell the house." Amazing how God slowly transforms our hearts to His will, isn't it??? Well, my parents got an offer on their house a couple of days ago and were waiting to hear back on their counter offer. They were leaving for a big trip and just wanted the peace of mind that all was taken care of. My mom was so discouraged, knowing she had to leave for the airport and they hadn't heard anything yet. I reminded her that regardless of if God answers our prayers, we need to trust Him and be at peace. So, anyhoo, David emailed me right after I got to work and said my parents heard back on the house 5 minutes before they had to leave for the airport and were able to sign the offer. Soooooooooooo exciting! It was so humbling to realize that God had heard our prayers and was merciful and gracious in answering that prayer before they left. Pretty awesome. I can't believe my Bible study yesterday was on how God can orchestrate events and people to bring about His will and right in the midst of reading that, He was orchestrating events and people to bring about His will in my parents' lives. We have a God who hears, who answers when we call, who knows our deepest groans and desires, and who loves us enough to know what is best and right for us. I'm so grateful to Him and to Him be all the glory!

Inspired by the Holy Spirit...

2009-07-16T07:39:00.001-07:00

So, after writing on my blog last night, I had the greatest morning! I got to bed later than I wanted to. I put out my workout clothes and just decided that if I was able to get up at 5:30 and go work out, I would. If I had trouble sleeping or couldn't get up, all well...things happen. So, last night I was able to sleep, but woke up several times in the night. It was an ok night of sleep. My alarm went off at 5:30 and out of habit, I pressed the snooze button. To my shock and utter amazement, I was wide awake! My immediate thought was, "Marci, surely you are not that awake. Go back to sleep." And then I realized, wait, this is what I've been wanting for weeks. Get up! Take advantage of this!!! So, I got up, made coffee, and decided to have my devotions outside. It's actually pretty light outside at that time! I had my workout clothes on so I could have my devotions, my first cup of coffee, and be at the gym by 6:30 or so. This was turning out to be a great morning.

...and then the Holy Spirit worked. I'm doing a Beth Moore study and also working my way through a book of Puritan prayers called "The Valley of Vision". If you don't have it, go get it! It's so rich and full of truth and wisdom!!!! Anyhow, it just so happened (not really, it was not a coincidence) that the puritan prayer I read this morning also connected with the day I was on in the Beth Moore study. It was all about waiting for God's timing and recognizing that He is at work in the "waiting" time. As many of you know, David and I would LOVE to be parents but for some reason feel that we just have to wait. Neither of us want to but are trusting that God has a reason for causing us to wait...even if that means just exercising faithfulness and trust in Him. It's NOT easy!!!! But, I was so encouraged and strengthened by what I was learning.

My parents are also going through a time of testing and waiting and I just felt the Holy Spirit telling me to write to them this morning as soon as I was done studying and encourage them with the Scriptures and notes I had read. It dawned on me that they were leaving for a trip today and might not get my email. So, I called my mom and told her to check her email before she left. When I asked when they were leaving she said, "Oh, we're rushing around, trying to get out the door." I could tell that she was down and discouraged and that the Holy Spirit had interceded in my life on her behalf to encourage them before I left.

Well, this all took so long...doing my devotions...writing an email to my parents...calling my mom...that before I knew it, there was no way I had time to go work out. Was I frustrated?...actually, no! I kind of chucked at the Lord when I realized that He was the one who sprung my eyes open this morning at 5:30. It was not me! And when I got my workout clothes on this morning?...little did I know that that was actually for some spiritual exercise, not physical. That's ok because I feel GREAT! This morning was definitely a workout...a workout of trust, faithfulness, love, admiration, wisdom, and truth in God's Word! And...the Lord worked all that together so that not only would I be edified, but I would have time to write my parents just in time for them to print out the email and take it with them to the airport. WOW!! God is AMAZING! It was so cool.

So, "my" plans didn't go accordingly. I didn't wake up at 5:30 to accomplish it all! But, God divinely used it to speak encouragement and strength to someone else who needed it as much as I did! If I have time, I'll try to post the puritan prayer and scriptures I sent to my mom! For, now, I have to go get ready for work but I just had to share how God already used my willingness to let go of "my schedule" to bring glory to Himself through my submission and trust in Him! Praise God!!!!!! To HIM and HIM ALONE be the glory for working all these things together for our good! Now, if I could only get to work on time. Yeah, I'm going to let that one go. I will just have to work a little late tonight. But, this morning was worth it!!!!

Boring...

2009-07-15T21:04:00.001-07:00

Well, I wish I had something more interesting to write about right now but I just don't. Life feels like it's been so hectic...and yet so stagnant. I can hardly believe it's mid-July. I keep thinking to myself, "oh, yeah, I should get this or that done by 4th of July." And then I realize, "Marci, that was like 2 weeks ago!" I keep waiting for summer to come and then I realize summer is almost over! They are already putting out school supplies for crying out loud! But, I guess that's not saying much since stores are sporting Christmas decor by October!

I will say that life has been a rollercoaster. We got back from the Grand Canyon back in April and nothing was really on the horizon. I was a little down after having such an amazing vacation and then coming back with nothing to really look forward to. It's like I blinked and now I'm here. It's just been crazy.

Just a note about my anxiety...things have been going really well but there are always ups and downs. Lately, it's been down. I attribute a lot of that to moving...although great...it's a big transition: new neighborhood, new drive, new noises, new routine. That kind of change is much harder on me than I like to admit and I'm also a perfectionist. I want to do it all and do it all right away. I want to wake up at 5:30 before the alarm even has a chance to go off, work out, have my time in the Word, eat breakfast, make a healthy lunch, and get to work just shy of 8:30. Sooooooooo....back to the real world! I've really had to learn to let go of all that.

My friend Julie and I just started setting up weekly goals for ourselves. This week, I wanted to be prepared with food everyday for work. I wanted a healthy lunch and a couple of healthy snacks. I was feeling so eager and so ready by Sunday evening. I thought, "heck! I can do more than just be prepared with lunches this week!" I crawled into bed at 8:45 after cleaning the house, grocery shopping, meal planning, unpacking boxes, laying out my workout clothes, and lunch already packed for the next day. Then....total insomnia. This has come out of nowhere for about a week and half now and I found myself so frustrated. Just a tip...the worst thing for insomnia is getting more and more frustrated...it definitely doesn't make you tired!!!

I had to email my friend Julie at our weekly appointed time to tell her about how I was doing with my goal this week. Did I get to bed early every night? No. Did I workout? Just once. Did I have everything in order? No. But I did make my lunch everyday. Life happens! And I need be ok with letting go of order. I picked something and I made that happen. If it turns out that I'm able to go workout a few times this week or wake up when my alarm goes off, great! But maybe that's something to tackle next week!

I feel so torn by this because I want to be someone who takes advantage of time, who captivates time, who doesn't let time just pass me by. But, I think in the midst of letting my schedule "rule" me, time is passing by regardless. I think I need to be ok with my calendar changing up a bit and being ok with things that just don't happen. Or, even letting go of things I have scheduled. David and I had to cancel our cable subscription when we moved. We debated what we would do for tv at our new place...cable...digital box...satellite. And I have to tell you, 6 weeks has gone by and I don't miss it! I'm sure many of you think I'm crazy and I probably would have thought I was crazy too. But, it's allowed me to take a breather and just enjoy my surroundings. It's kind of a nice vacation. Maybe I need to just enjoy that and let life fall into place a little bit...let things settle. I even started reading Jane Austin books...so fun.

Well, here I am, folding laundry, with "nothing" on my mind and out pops a blog post! I literally was planning on writing, "I have nothing to say...so boring...so sorry." But maybe it was a good time to just journal a little! Or maybe you're someone like me who feels like time is passing you by and you feel overwhelmed. Well, I encourage you to pick one thing to focus your mind on and set a goal this week for that one thing. Maybe you're someone who doesn't feel motivated or overwhelmed to do anything. Make a plan, don't let time just pass by. Finally do that one thing you've been planning on doing for such a long time.

Our New Abode

2009-06-17T09:40:00.000-07:00

No, we didn't buy it but it's the next best thing...we are renting! This was such an amazing answer to prayer! We were living in an apartment and weren't necessarily unhappy but were just wishing and hoping and praying for a house. With the housing market as it is, we know it's a great time to buy but we just aren't financially ready for that right now. Our apartment when we moved there was such a blessing and was more space than we'd ever had before. We enjoyed it but were constantly bombarded by loud neighbors, smoking neighbors, and lots of noise. We never felt truly settled there but always wanted to be thankful for God's provision. We had a message from our apartment manager letting us know our lease was coming up and she hoped we would renew. I sarcastically looked at David and said, "are we moving?" He grinned at me and said, "uh...no!". Seeing as we had just moved a year ago, neither of us were in the mood to pack up and shift our home again. The next day, my good friend, Beth, emailed me and said there was a house around the corner for rent in the historical district of Corona, one of our favorite parts of town. Dave was already asleep and I just laid awake and couldn't stop thinking about the possibility of a house. I told God that if he wanted us to move, I would entrust this whole situation into his hands. That was Tuesday...Wednesday morning at Bible study, Beth gave me the flier for the house. It was too good to be true...it was about $75 more than we were paying for an apartment. The house has been converted into a duplex, so we are renting the bottom of the house. After Bible study, I ran over to Dave's work and said, "you have to look at this. I know we said we wouldn't move, but this is just crazy!" He picked up the phone, dialed the number, and the landlord said, "How did you hear about this? I just put the sign out yesterday." He told us to come and look that night. We instantly fell in love with the landlords and the house, and I think they were thrilled to put the house in our hands. By Friday we were signing papers and two weeks later, we moved in. It's been a whirlwind to say the least but we feel so undeservingly blessed by God's grace! Our constant prayer since stepping foot into the house is that it be used for ministry. David has gotten super involved in the college group at our church and is absolutely loving it...and begging me to get involved as well. We are just beside ourselves and have had so much fun already. I have rosebushes all along the front walkway and have been clipping them for vases around the house everyday. David is loving having a garage is is contanstly looking for reasons he needs a new tool for the house. We have been able to have family over (my brother Jim, sister-in-law, Carrie, and nieces) and my parents were in town this week. What a joy to share it with them. We even hosted a big birthday bash for Jim, Carrie, and Charlie, whose birthdays are all in a row. Such fun! My home is open to you so if you are in town or nearby, please come by! I can't post the address, as David will not allow me to for security purposes but I will send out an address change soon. If you do not hear from me, I may not have your email. So, let me know!

Where has the time gone?

2009-05-02T19:27:00.000-07:00

Wow, I just noticed that the last time I posted was in March. That's embarrassing. I wish I could tell you where the time has gone but I have no idea. Why does time go by faster when you're an adult...particularly weekends??? I feel like I have so many things to say and yet I have no idea where to even begin. There are so so many things "upon my soul" right now and I am often in the car thinking, "yes, I need to write about that on my blog." Who knows who's even still out there checking in on my blog, however, it's a great way to journal!

David and I recently took a huge trip to the Grand Canyon. We backpacked in the backcountry for 5 days and, although many of you think I'm crazy, I am still alive...and better because of it. It was a life-changing experience for me and something I will never forget. I even hope to do it again someday. It was one of the most restful vacations I've ever taken and I did a lot of soul searching and "soul rest". To be in something so breathtaking and quiet was exactly what my soul needed. If you'd like to see some pictures of our trip, click on the link on the right-hand side of my page that says, "David and Marci's Website" and you can click on the link for Grand Canyon pics. I was only a taste of what I imagine heaven to be like and the beauty encapsulated in my Savior. I was sleeping when we arrived and David said, "Marci, look, there it is." When I sat up I literally gasped out loud and could not breathe for several seconds. I've never seen something that magnificent.

Other than that, David and I have been working like crazy. Praise the Lord, we do still have jobs and ones that we enjoy. However, life is so hectic and when I do have downtime, I don't even want to go near a computer or tv.

Well, I did actually have a purpose to writing this post but felt I had to do some quick catching up before I launched into my soap box. I'm so caught up in the busyness sometimes and it frustrates me. I just started teaching the 6th grade girls at church and will be teaching 5th grade girls next year. I had a million things to do today and when I finally had some down time, the last thing I wanted to do was sit down with my Bible and prepare. Why is that? Why do I buy into the lie that time with God is exhausting and if I'm truly tired, He'd probably agree that I should take a nap. Probably 5 minutes in to getting into the Word, I felt the heaviness of my eyelids and thought a nap in the sunshine of my bedroom would be the perfect end to a Saturday. But, I just couldn't. I really needed to be prepared because these girls deserve someone committed to them and I want them to be passionate about God's Word. So, I continued on. I even spiced it up with a nice glass of wine and some crackers and cheese. Slowly but surely, my heart was at peace, the busyness of the day subsided, and I felt rested. David and I even got to sit and watch the sunset while we discussed what we were learning in God's Word and I felt like I learned some new things from him and his perspective. Why don't I do this more often? Why do I sleep in later than I should, press the snooze button a million times, in the hopes that when I rise I will be more rested than if I'd gotten up a half an hour earlier?

My eyes of my soul are set on the Lord and that brings worship to my heart. Not only do I feel that the things of this world have washed from my soul, but I feel filled with the Spirit. I feel like I've learned this lesson so many times. I never want my devotions to be something to just check off a list or wake up early because I know I "should". Rather, I want to spring out of bed because I can't wait to learn more about Christ and respond with worship. I want to crave time with Him and for my soul to ache when I am distant. There are so many things that can fill my time and I often choose TV when I have downtime. It requires nothing of me in return and I'm entertained. But I cannot name one single time I have turned the TV off and said, "wow, I'm so at peace and I feel so rested and rejuvinated." More often, I actually feel like my brain is so stuffed and over-stimulated that it's what I think about all day and all night. What a thick skull I have! Well, it's my desire to work on this this week. I want to set my heart on the Lord. When I see Him face-to-face, I want to be able to look at Him and say, "Oh Jesus, I have learned so much about you and I can't wait for more!"

Ok...I truly hope I can write more often. I apologize. Life is in a place where my head is down and I'm just pushing through! But, it's a great time to seek God above all things and cling to Him! I hope this was encouraging to you...

Lucy and Charlie Visit

2009-03-13T08:21:00.000-07:00

We got to go visit Lucy after she got home from the hospital. What a fun day that was. Charlie made us a picture which is still proudly posted on our refrigerator. I can't bear to take it down. My favorite is the part that says, "Charlie eats crayons", an episode that apparently took place before we arrived and resulted in naptime. Oh Charlie, you are so precious. We also made dinner for Jim and Carrie and Charlie immediately grabbed the stool to help Auntie Marci make calzones...something I treasure in my heart and hope she never stops doing! Here are some pictures of our visit:

Lucy Lauren is here

2009-02-19T08:00:00.000-08:00

My niece was born and we were so blessed to be able to go visit Jim, Carrie, and Lucy in the hospital. For now, here are a couple of pictures. We will be seeing them and Charlie this weekend and will post more pics then.

Oh what a beautiful morning...

2009-01-14T21:35:00.000-08:00

...oh what a beautiful day...I've got this beautiful feeling...everything's going my way.

Well, that was two days ago. But I had to write you about it. I know it's been a long time since my last post and I don't even know who checks up on my blog anymore. The last few months are a blur. Where did Halloween go? When was Thanksgiving? Was Christmas just a few shorts weeks ago?

I wish I could sit here and tell you that the last few months have been glorious and happy and healthy. Unfortunately, not. I woke up one night in a full-body sweat and was panting. I'd had a nightmare that threw back into the vicious cycle of anxiety. I was up most the night and I can honestly tell you it was the second worse panic attack I've had thus far.

I was reading something recently that said, "isn't it always harder to go through something a second time?" This stopped me in my tracks as I realized that yes, it is! I feel like the first time I was really dealing with anxiety, I was on a rampage to find answers and to heal from some things. I was earnestly seeking the Lord daily as I longed to understand what good could come from all this. And I definitely found good! I found that my faith was strengthened and I believed in my Savior more than ever and clung to His sacrifice...the best kind of good! But this time around, I was just plain weary. I didn't even know what to say. I thought that I had come to such a good place and now I felt as though I had taken so many steps backward that I couldn't possibly go through it again. It made me sad as I realized that I was just stuck. Reading this quote just made me realize how easily we give up.

Well, it's winter in So Cal...88 degrees! After my time in the Word the other day, I got my shoes on and dragged my feet all the way out the front door to go to the gym and work out. It was such a beautiful day and I spontaneously decided I'd rather go on a run outside. I grabbed my ipod and armband and headed out...not sure where I would go or how long it would take me (great metaphor!) My husband, Dave, has a running playlist of all worship songs and I thought, what the hay, I'll give it a listen. Chris Tomlin started ringing through my ears and I was off. When I was bringing my run to an end, the song Everlasting God started playing. Some of the lyrics go: "You are the Everlasting God, the Everlasting God. You do not faint, You won't grow weary." And I thought about what I had reflected on that morning and it just hit me. The Lord NEVER grows weary. Why, then, do I grow weary and give up so quickly and so easily? If the God of the universe is willing to love me enough to sacrifice His Son for my benefit and greater good to allow relationship with Him, and He's never going to grow weary, why then do I give up? When I know that all things God uses to work together for good and bring glory to Himself, why do I give up? I wanted to finish my run strong as a testimony and symbol to God that even when I'm tired, I want him to know that I would give it my all.

At one point, I looked ahead of me and it was the straight and narrow path leading home. I thought, "there's no way I can run all that way. I'm tired. I'll just walk." Another metaphor! No, I needed to keep running. I needed to build my physical endurance so that when I am weary and tired spiritually and emotionally, I can remind myself to keep going. I think it also made me realize that when I look so far ahead at life, it seems daunting. I get discouraged at the idea. What I need to do is focus on the sidewalk in front of me and run those few steps....and then some more....and then some more. Before I know it, I will have made it to the finish line. What's important is that I gave my all each step of the way.

Wow...who knew you could get so much out of a run? I hope this is an encouragement to someone out there. More than anything, I think I needed to put my thoughts down and process a little. I have to give a "shout out" to cousin Kari who recently told me that the blogging world was missing me. This one's for you! Hopefully I'm back and will have more to come!

Refreshed, renewed, and blessed...and I hope you are too!

2008-10-09T20:44:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a LONG time. I wish I had a really good reason for why I haven't written but there really isn't one. I think about my blog almost everyday and wonder, "What shall I write?" or "God, what would you have me write?" And truthfully, I just have nothing! Life's been so overwhelming and on such a rollercoaster for the last 2 years that I'm almost weirded out by a sense of "normalcy". Things have been busy with my new job and all but for the first time in probably over 2 years I am not daily plagued by the fears, trembles, and worries of anxiety. This is huge, of course, but it's also strange to be in a time of rest. I try to remind myself everytime I think about this that I need to be thankful for every moment because I don't know what tomorrow or the next day will bring. I've been in the fastlane with God for so many months now and when I initially started this blog I had so many things to write about. I couldn't get my thoughts out fast enough. And now I genuinely don't know what's happening. Whilst (i love that word) pondering what in the world God is doing in my life right now, I stumbled upon my cousin-in-law's blog and God reminded me that even in this time, He has a purpose....to WAIT. I hope you are refreshed, renewed, and blessed by the poem below. I sure was and I don't think I could begin to express to you in better words what this expresses about where I am in life right now. Here it is:

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said,"Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still "Wait".

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

I will wait on the Lord because I know that whatever HE has in store for me is far better than my wildest dreams! I am waiting with a purpose!

A Sweet Bug Sleepover

2008-10-09T19:59:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know...it's been a REALLY long time! More on this later. However, in the meantime, we have had our precious niece over for our very first sleepover...actually...that's not totally true. We did stay with her when she was a mere 6 weeks old so that Jim and Carrie could go overnight for their 10th anniversary. But, now Charlie Mae is a whopping 17 months old and David and I can hardly believe our eyes. It is so fun to have some family nearby and we look forward to many more sleepovers! I think before having Charlie here, we definitely wondered if we would be good parents or could handle it full-time. I think after having her, we are more confident in our ability to one-day be parents! Of course...that would mean having a child as low-maintenance as she is. There was an incident with a squirt gun at the park that did put into question my mothering abilities but I did rescue her (while Uncle Dave took pictures) so I feel ok about that.

Here's a picture of our first sleepover when Charlie (aka: "Bitty") was 6 weeks old:

And our most recent sleepover:

The moment of shock...

Walking to the store to get some things for dinner:

Breakfast...raspberries...waffles...toast...and coffee...wait, how'd that get in there?
"Aunt Marci, you're so silly! I'm not old enough to drink coffee!"

Toast! Much better!

Getting ready to go home...so much fun!

We had a blast! Can't wait for the next time we can have a sleepover...we were supposed to have one this weekend but plans have changed. Stay tuned for the next "Sweet Bug Sleepover"!

Pumpkin Spice is Back!!!

2008-09-04T15:21:00.000-07:00

Who better to dictate when Fall is here than good 'ole Starbucks! That's right! Pumpkin Spice is back. If you are living in 95 degree weather as I am, I highly recommend the Pumpkin Spice Creme Frappucino. It's delicious. If only I still worked there and could get drinks for free. They also have a plethora of adorable mugs. It's like stepping into a time warp. Stepping into Starbucks brings a cool breeze and a refreshing hot mug of "the perfect blend of pumpkin and Fall spices". Stepping outside...SWELTERING...like stepping into a hot oven!!!! I guess I'll just dream of cool breezes and changing leaves! Happy Fall to everyone else in the country!

I would love a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils...

2008-09-02T09:48:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's that time of year again. I LOVE school supplies. It's been kind of funny because I actually started my new, full-time position at the tutoring company I work for. I am now officially the curriculum director. I was getting ready for my first full day of work and it seriously felt like the first day of school. I was trying to squeeze in every possible moment I had yesterday, feeling like it was the last day of summer.

Seriously, it's not like I live in the arctic. I live in Southern California for crying out peet. It's not like summer is really over. In fact, the high today is 91 degrees. I knew we had acclamated to SoCal when we were laying out at the pool yesterday and Dave said, "Ah, I detect Fall is in the air." Yes, we are definitely Californians now!

Regardless, I still love the smell of newly sharpened pencils and I can't wait to decorate with pumpkins. I wish I could go shopping for school supplies!

Happy Fall everyone!

A new day...a new hope...

2008-08-15T11:04:00.000-07:00

Wow...I love God! I love that He knows me inside and out and He knows when enough is enough. Just when I thought I was at my max and couldn't take anymore, He relieves the pressure. I love that when I'm totally exhausting and at my end, I can wake up the next morning with a new day and a new hope. He truly is the Bread of Life. I cannot live without Him and He truly is my strength each and every day. This song came to my mind the other day and I truly don't remember the last time I sang or heard it. Cleary, it was a song from the Spirit at a time when I just needed to express my worship to the Lord:

My life is in you Lord,

My strength is in you Lord,

My hope is in you Lord,

in You, it's in You

I've been keeping a list of the names of God here and there as I learn about them and come across them. It's amazing to me how certain names speak louder at certain times in my life. As mentioned above, I feel like the name, "Bread of Life" speaks louder to me right now than any other time in my life. I feel like I know and understand a side of God I never had before. For so long, I just didn't quite understand what it meant for Jesus to be the sustainer and literally the "bread of life". I think I'm experiencing that now and know what it means to hunger for Him and be sustained by His presence.

Just curious, are there any names of God that you've learned about recently?

What is God up to?

2008-08-12T07:53:00.000-07:00

Genesis 27:10-22

Jacob left Beersheba and set out for Harran. When he reached a certain place, he stopped for the night because the sun had set. Taking one of the stones there, he put it under his head and lay down to sleep. He had a dream…When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he thought, “Surely the LORD is in this place, and I was not aware of it.” He was afraid and said, “How awesome is this place!”…Then Jacob made a vow, saying, “If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father’s household, then the LORD will be my God…

I’ve only written a portion of the scripture above because it captures the main point of the scripture. I must be honest with you, I am struggling very much right now. I don’t know exactly what it’s all about but this scripture has been a comfort to me. I was learning in my study of this scripture yesterday that Jacob did not know he was going to have an encounter with God that night. He simply had stopped for the night to sleep and there he encountered the Almighty. In Jacob’s mind, it was random. Yet, God new He was going to have an appointment with Jacob that night.

In many ways, what I’m going through right now feels random. While I can attribute some of it to moving, changing job positions, traveling, etc., it feels frustrating, out of the blue, and confusing. I even feel at times like I’m just going backwards and discouraged.

HOWEVER, the moment I read God’s Word, in particular this passage, I remember that God has a plan for me in EVERYTHING and that He has appointed this time for me. I’m not sure what it’s all about but I think the only thing I can do in the meantime is stay anchored to his Word and say, “Speak, Lord. Your servant is listening.”

A time of remembrance...

2008-07-31T08:26:00.000-07:00

Well, David and I just celebrated our 4th anniversary. What a special time we had. He surprised me with a trip up to Sonoma (Napa Valley area) and we just had a delightful time. We stayed in a 1-room Bed and Breakfast that was just adorable. We visited several wineries and got some great souvenirs. My favorite had to be our day trip to a local spa in which we did a mud slide treatment and then spent the day lounging in the pool. So relaxing! I've included a couple of pictures below. Unfortunately, we did not take very many pictures at all. We were just having too good of a time!

One of the best wedding gifts we received was an Anniversary Journal. It catalogs the first 25 years of our marriage. Each year we each get a page to journal about the previous year together and then there's a section where we write out our favorite memories of the year. This year was particularly interesting as I grabbed the journal, a hot cup of tea, and went out to sit by the creek and write. I will say this has been one of the best years of our marriage, I think in part due to my own growth process. As I've come into more wholeness and healing, I've seen our marriage blossom. I read through the last 3 years of journal entries and I was just cracking up at some of the memories we wrote down and so filled with joy at what we had journaled. What a great way to stop and reflect and remember our year together.

I've been doing a Beth Moore study, Stepping Up, that goes over several of the Psalms titled, the Psalms of Ascent. These psalms were sung during the Israelites yearly pilgrimage to Jerusalem. I've been fascinated by this as as Beth has related this to our own pilgrimages. These psalms were sung as a reminder of who God is, what He had done for them, and encouragement of where they were headed.

It's really gotten me thinking. I take time every year to get away with David and journal about our marriage. In a way, it's somewhat of a "pilgrimage" through our year together and a chance to remember how we've grown and what God had taught us throughout the year.

I don't do that with anything else in my life and I realized I should. I often don't look back over a time period of growth with God and just spend time reflecting, worshiping, and thanking Him for where I've been.

I wish I remembered the actual date I became a Christian. I'm always amazed by people who know their Christian birthday. I definitely have the memory of it but I don't even know what time of year it was. I was only 5. However, while that was a significant milestone, I have had very significant periods of growth since then. This year tops them all. I have never been so deep in a pit before and watched God pull me out and transform me. Throughout counseling, my counselor encouraged me to journal. I did journal some, but at the conclusion of counseling I have journaled more frequently than ever before. I think it's because I don't have that outlet of counseling anymore.

Ok...I really am going somewhere with this :) Hang with me...

I'll never forget the day I realized I had broken free. I was doing the Beth Moore study, "Breaking Free", and I wondered what it would look like when I actually broke free. I was in the shower and it dawned on me, I was free. It's a process. It wasn't like I was all chained up and then suddenly free...God had to unlock every single chain and it was like the final key had been turned and I was free. I didn't even know at the time what to do with such freedom. So I immediately dropped to my knees and asked God to never let me forget what I had been through. I told my counselor on the last day that I just never want to forget this journey and all that God brought me through. She said, "Well, you've journaled through it, right?" Yeah...not as much as I should have...but I do now.

I realized, this was a momentous occasion in my spiritual life. And I definitely remember the day I broke free. I should be taking time to celebrate that. Just as the Israelites traveled to Jerusalem each year and celebrated through several festivals, singing and praising God, I need to do that as well.

It's amazing how busy and wrapped up in life we get. But are we taking the time to just sit before God and look at our year with Him? Are we taking time to remember the huge milestones we've had with Him? Are we remembering what it was like to be so deep in that pit and be pulled out by Him?

So, I'm still thinking on it but I'm thinking that just as I take some time away with my hubby, I need to take some time away with my Savior. Maybe it's a day trip to the spa, or my favorite little hideaway at the park, where I can read through my journal and write out my gratitude for the year behind me. I need some time of remembrance. I never want to forget where I've been because it makes me who I am today. Just some thoughts...

Will Write Soon!

2008-07-28T09:07:00.000-07:00

I can't even begin to tell you all that has gone on over the last 3-4 weeks. We're moved and I'm exhausted. I feel so overwhelmed every time I even think about writing on my blog because there's been so many emotions, transitions, thoughts, breakthroughs, and some heartaches for me. Nothing I can really even put my finger on...it's just been a crazy couple of months and I feel like life just came to a screeching hault! Our traveling for the summer is done and we are settled for the most part. I often write down ideas for things I want to share and then when I have time to write, I just don't even know where to begin. So, this is a start and I will write more soon. There may be multiple posts in one day so check back when you can! My love to you all...thanks for being a part of my blog.

Moving...

2008-07-03T08:08:00.000-07:00

Well, David and I are in the throws of packing and moving this weekend. I won't have internet hooked up again until next Friday so I'm temporarily signing off. Maybe I'll get a chance before then to blog :)

Writer's block breakthrough

2008-07-01T10:46:00.000-07:00

Writer’s block breakthrough

I have had the worst writer's block lately. I've thought and thought and thought about what to write on my blog, serious or silly. And every time I thought about it, nothing. I just couldn't get on my blog and blab on an on unless something was really "upon my soul".

It's funny how I come about this whole process. Most of the time something will just hit me and I know I have to immediately sit down and blog. I'm actually at work and risking writing this blog right now which means this will probably be a short one. Or it will take me all day to write this!

I’ve been having one of those weird mornings. I got up, spent time with the Lord, got ready for work, and already felt my mind drifting away from the subjects I had studied in the Word. I’m frustrated by this because I want my heart to be genuinely submitted before the Lord. I was learning about keeping my eyes upward and casting my gaze on the Lord. I want this so much but then I find I’m totally distracted only moments later. It only makes me wonder where my heart truly is.

I got to work, someone had rock music on in the background, it’s about 75 degrees outside, and this is definitely not where I feel like being right now. I don’t even feel like a Starbucks. What’s wrong with me??? How do I go about my work, stay focused, give it my all, all the while, keeping my eyes on the Lord? I’m really struggling with how to keep my heart in the right place all the while working on curriculum.

Well, finally, in an attempt to try something different, I grabbed my headphones and ipod out of my purse. With all the choices to choose from, it was clear what I needed. My brother and sister-in-law just got me onto this new group called Telecast (maybe their not new at all…just new to me). Let me tell you, their music has the ability to put your heart in the right place! I truly felt transformed. As I began working on all my curriculum projects I had this music ringing in my ears. My heart was suddenly transformed. I feel energized, worshipful, positive, and I feel like I suddenly have a clear mind. Why is it so difficult for me to realize that when I have a crummy day or when I roll out of bed and just feel blah, the answer is Jesus…yes…the typical Sunday school answer. But it’s TRUE!!!

I suddenly began tapping my feet and found it difficult to keep quiet to those around me who had no idea what I was listening to. I just wanted to start singing along when I realized I’m not all by myself here in the office. Being quiet, though, and allowing the songs to infiltrate my mind, I am singing on the inside!

Focusing my heart and mind on Him, keeping my gaze upward, filling my mind and heart with worshipful music truly transforms my HEART, SOUL, MIND, and STRENGTH and I find I am loving Him more, even as I sit here and work.

Psalm 98:4: Shout joyfully to the LORD, all the earth; Break forth and sing for joy and sing praises.

If your day is anything like mine: full of distraction, full of frustration, full of people, full of work…go ahead…put on some music…sing. It really does change the heart!

Oh Lord I come
Come before your throne
Just as I’m known, I long to know you
More and more
I hear your knock oh Lord
I’ll open this door just to be by you

If I want love I’ll come to the cross
If I want life I’ll count this life loss
Anchor my soul, don’t let me drift away

If I want peace I’ll come to the King
If I want release then you’ll have to be the
Anchor of my soul, don’t let me drift away

Jesus I will stay with you
I will stay

It's good to be back!

When life is overwhelming...

2008-06-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile! I apologize...I've been in Colorado celebrating my dad's 60th birthday.

Someone recently asked me about writing more about my anxiety and posting more frequently. Let me just say, I only write when God places something on my heart of utmost importance to share. I have a very hard time coming to the computer and writing unless there is genuinely something important or urgent on my heart. So, forgive me for not writing as often. Sometimes there are multiple things in one day I need to share, and other times it seems I'm all dried up!

I just started a Beth Moore Bible study on the Psalms and I'm so excited about it already. It's so interesting to me how I have a tendency to draw away from God when I feel anxious. This is probably one of the most frustrating parts. Anxiety is probably one of the most lonely, scary, fearful, and dreadful emotions I can think of and in those moments I often feel so distant from God. I hate it. As a Christian, I know all the right answers and I know I'm supposed to just trust God and go to Him when I feel this way. But it's not that easy and Satan knows that it is the easiest way for me to be drawn away from my Savior, my Master, my life support.

Through this process I have really clung to certain song lyrics and that's partly why I'm so excited about this study on the Psalms. One song in particular that has been so comforting to me is one by Bebo Norman and the chorus is:

When the waters rise
They will not pull me under
When the mountain slides
And crashes to the sea
I will lift my eyes
And call out to you Father
Be my covering!!!

This is the perfect description of how I feel when I'm anxious. But my Father IS my covering, regardless of how insecure I feel. He is my stronghold. He is there whether I feel Him or not.

Whether you struggle with anxiety or some other type of stronghold may I encourage you to do something. Take some time, 10 or 15 minutes, and glance through the entire book of Psalms. Let me just say, you will reach the end and be so filled by its words. I know it seems like a large task but it really isn't. You will be so blessed. I did that this morning and found that my eyes fell upon certain phrases and I couldn't get my highlighter fast enough. I found myself highlighting phrases that described me and that were so comforting to me. I'm excited to go back through and highlight more. My hope is that in that moment of fear and anxiety when I'm feeling far from God, I can open my Bible to the Psalms and see those highlighted phrases jump off the page. I don't think I ever realized before how anxious the psalmist David felt in his own life. I was so comforted by his words and the realization that someone else knew exactly how I felt and was able to articulate it to God and be able to praise Him at the same time.

So, when life seems overwhelming and you feel like you don't even know where to go, may I encourage you to go to the Psalms and just allow your eyes to skim the pages. You will find that the Holy Spirit leads you to phrases that you need to hear. Highlight them, underline them, or whatever you need to do to be able to recognize them at a moments notice. Then, the next time you are feeling low, overwhelmed, anxious, afraid, lost, confused, etc., may you return to the Psalms and be reminded of the God who never leaves you and who longs for you to be intimately connected with Him!

I hope that it is as encouraging, fulfilling, and comforting to you as it is to me!

Are you ever thankful for a trial?

2008-06-05T09:49:00.001-07:00

Hello my dear friends. We are finally over the flu...I hope. It's so nice to not be living off of Chicken Noodle soup and Gatorade!!!

It's been a long time since my last post and I feel like so much has happened. It's hard to even know where to begin or express all that's going on in my own heart.

Let me start by saying that this post has been extremely difficult to write. I have re-written it about 8 times. I even posted it and ended up coming back and deleting it. It’s not easy to write about and I often struggle with what to share and how to share it. So, here’s the latest attempt. I apologize if it’s hard to follow.

Let me start my story here...we're moving. NOT out of Corona, but nonetheless, we're moving. This past Saturday was the first day we woke up and were not plagued by dizziness and we jumped in the car and did some errands together. We grabbed our favorite drinks at Starbucks and we were just loving the time together. We got home and there was a notice on our door. I assumed it was to let us know that once again they'd be raising our rent with the renewal of our lease this month. On the contrary, it was a notice that we had to be out of our apartment by June 30th due to company-wide renovations.

LONG LONG story short, we have found a new place to live. As my post title suggests, I have no idea what God is up to but David and I both have the sense that God is removing us from this place fast. We debated all sorts of things and spent hours on Craig's List looking at options. Do we transfer to an already-renovated apartment on this same property for a much higher price and same amount of space? Do we look at rental houses? Do we move closer to my new job? Do we stay in Corona? Do we look at apartments? It was crazy. Amazingly, the very FIRST place I found on Craig's list and the very LAST place we ended up looking at has become our new home, starting July 2nd. For almost the same price to get a small apartment at our current location, we are getting a much much bigger, two-story apartment. We've never made a decision so fast. We got our notice around noon and we were putting money down and filling out applications for a new apartment at 6 that night. It was CRAZY! But, it was blatantly obvious that this was our new home.

The point of this story is to relate it to my struggle with anxiety. The other night I was driving home from something and for whatever reason, I started to feel that pit in my stomach. I felt it growing and growing. It was a good ‘ole fashioned bout of anxiety. It’s been awhile since this has happened. I suddenly felt like I was taking 20 steps backward from how far I’d come. I was so frustrated. As soon as these feelings start, my anxiety usually starts attaching itself to irrational thoughts: “what if I die on the way home?” “What if something happens to Dave?” “what if something happens to someone I love?”

Throughout counseling I have learned that this is just the cycle of irrational thoughts I get stuck in when my anxiety starts to surface. I try to ignore it but by doing so, the anxiety builds like a huge pot of boiling water. I immediately turned on the radio as a distraction, hoping it would transport me to a different emotional state. It was uncanny. Every song on every station was some sappy love song talking about a loved one passing away. So, I tried the Christian talk station. The topic? The frailty of life. My anxiety was about to hit the roof. I couldn’t ignore it.

As a side bar, let me say that this is often how anxiety works. It starts this cycle of emotions and irrational thoughts and will attach itself to anything it can get a hold of, usually because there are some feelings deep down that have not be brought to the surface. Rarely, do those thought patterns connect with the real reason for the anxiety. Over the past couple of years, I’ve learned to recognize this pattern and when I start peeling back the layers, I find the real cause for the anxiety. My anxiety usually surfaces because I’ve ignored something and the feelings start to build and build and build inside until anxiety finally takes over.

I knew I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer so I burst through the door, broke down, and told Dave I was feeling really anxious. He immediately wrapped his arms around me, knowing that I feel very insecure in these moments. He asked me what I needed and I told him I knew I needed to journal this out and figure out where the anxiety was coming from.

I’m always amazed when I start journaling, where I end up. It’s a very interesting thought process. One of the triggers for my anxiety is life transition. This is fairly common for those who struggle with anxiety. As I journaled, I realized how many transitions I was currently dealing with and I really hadn’t taken any time to process the emotions of those transitions. Big or small, it doesn’t matter the size of the transition. It doesn’t even matter if it’s a positive or negative transition, it’s just that’s it’s a change. Some of the biggies: starting a new job and moving out of our home. I realized how much the change was affecting me even though it’s positive change.

As I journaled, I couldn’t help being so frustrated. Why was I struggling with this again? Why was the anxiety back? I thought I had conquered it. I thought it was over. I thought I had broken free from this stronghold. Why why why??? Well, God reminded me that it’s not about me becoming independent. It’s about me recognizing my need for dependence and rather than placing it on something futile, I need to be totally dependent on my Savior. I realized God used the anxiety that night to drive me right back into His arms. Through all the change and distraction, I think I’d drifted my attention away a little.

It was a good reminder that my anxiety is not gone. It probably will be there the rest of my life. Have I learned to deal with it? Yes. Have I learned to control it? Yes. Do I stumble and fall still? YES! As odd as this sounds, I'm actually thankful for my anxiety because I've never had something that drives me to my knees, and sometimes on my face, more than in these moments. Truthfully, I think it's because of my struggle that I'm constantly driven back into the loving arms of my Heavenly Father when I start to drift away. Without these experiences, I'm not sure I would dig so deep and cling so tight to the One in whom I have eternal security and everlasting relationship.

If this rings true for any one else out there, my heart genuinely goes out to you and I’m on this journey with you. I've often felt so alone in this process and I'm always comforted when I realize that there are so many others who deal with this same trial...or even a different trial but the same life lessons. I'm so thankful we're not alone in this and that we have each other to cling to.

down with the flu...

2008-05-25T19:31:00.001-07:00

Ok...this is my third and last post for today, I promise. Dave and I have been down with the flu for several days. We've watched movies, eaten a ton of chicken noodle soup, cheese and crackers, read by the fire. What's left to do? BLOG! So, don't miss the 2 posts before this one!

Just a quick update: Dave had to cancel his 10K this weekend due to the flu. Sad sad sad. We almost went to get the free t-shirt (how sad are we?) but decided we would feel too bummed not to be there for the run. So, until further notice, we are down with the flu. Hopefully he can enter another race soon. He thinks I should be ready to run a 5K with him by August. HA!

Am I already getting old?

2008-05-25T19:22:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know....two posts in one day. But I HAD to share a story. So, if you've read the post below, you know that I've been working for a tutoring company. Half of my job is to manage an after-school tutoring program at a local elementary school. I have about 9 tutors and 45 kids. They referred to me as the "tutoring principal" as I am the final say on discipline...ok...stop laughing. :0)

I got to know the kids really well. I would joke around with them here and there but this conversation made me feel old...or dumb:

Set-up: It was after the program and we were all waiting in front of the school for the students to be picked up. There was one student left:

Marci: "Hey man, what's up?"

Student: "what?"

Marci: "How's it hangin'?"

Student: blank stares, "huh?"

Marci: "What's the haps bro?"

Student: no response...more blank stares

Marci: "Just chillin' like a villain?"

Student: "I don't get you"

Ok...am I old? Clearly I am using slang that works in my generation. He doesn't get me??? HELP!!! I guess I need to brush up on the latest phrases. Scary! But it still makes me laugh! I guess I'm not cool!

Out with the old...in with the new...

2008-05-25T18:55:00.001-07:00

Not only have the last couple of years been an emotional journey, they've also been a "job hunt" journey. As many of you know, I've been on quite the job turnaround the last few years. It's been interesting! Graduating from college and getting a full-time job is not what you think it's going to be. Rarely do you graduate and land that perfect job you'll be in for years to come.

Right after graduating and getting married, I taught at a private elementary school for one year. Within that year, David ended up getting the job he's in now and was commuting an hour away until I finished teaching. Right after I finished the school year, we packed up and moved closer to his work. The plan? For me to stop working and start having a family. HA! God had a totally different plan.

Thus my very interesting journey through jobs: substitute teaching, receptionist, and then one of my all-time favorite jobs:

That's right...I'm still considered a "certified barista"!!! If you look closely you will notice that this picture was around Christmastime and boy oh boy is that the best time of the year! It was so much fun! One of the best things I got out of the deal was an espresso machine. It's amazing! And I can whip up just about anything...Dave's gotten very good at it too...although I think he's determined to become "more certified" than me :)

Anyhoo, throughout that process I was in counseling and it was the best job I could have imagined during such an intense time of life. Who doesn't just want to decompress by whipping up some foam or frappuccino's? There were MANY times during this journey I sat and thought, "I have a degree in education and a year of teaching under my belt. And I work at Starbucks. What am I doing?" But God had a purpose even in that.

I ended up having to get another job and started with a tutoring company. Before I knew it, they had offered me a management position part-time and were also curious if I would start writing their phonics curricula. Things started out slow but I really started enjoying my job. It was awesome!

BUT, I had to give up Starbucks. It was time to move on but oh how I miss my discount! TANGENT: By the time all my papers were processed there, I still enjoyed my benefits for a couple of months. And yes, we loaded up! One of the biggest complaints I heard was how expensive everything is there. With my discount, I didn't really pay much attention. Now I know! And there's a Starbucks right next to our tutoring center!!!!

All that to say...I had my evaluation about two weeks ago and to my surprise they offered me a full-time job as a curriculum developer. I'm sooooooo excited! It won't officially start until the Fall but I have a bunch of summer projects to start working on! I will be creating an outline for an elementary math curriculum and will also be finishing up phonics. I will be training tutors and continuing to check in on their progress with the curricula! It's amazing. I wanted to respond by saying, "Wait, you want to just offer me a job??? You mean I don't have to start looking through the newspaper every morning and faxing my resume? You mean I don't have to have an account with Monster.com anymore? You seriously just want to give me a job? Umm..ok...I'LL TAKE IT!!!"

God is so good...all the time...God is good! He allowed me to have some fun at Starbucks during a very hard emotional time. And right as I have tied up the loose ends on my counseling, He drops this job on my plate. Very exciting!

Just thought many of you out there may not know what I even do these days! I understand...it's changed MULTIPLE times! Hopefully I will get to stay here for awhile. I absolutely LOVE the job, the people, and the atmosphere. It's my niche. I even like it better than teaching!!!! So, I will keep you updated! It definitely has the potential to turn into an at-home job when children come our way! Love you all!

What do you set your eyes on in the morning?

2008-05-13T09:20:00.001-07:00

During my counseling, one of things that always tugged at my heart was a feeling of loneliness or emptiness. I could never really put my finger on it and I was never sure why it was there or what I was missing.

The days I woke up that way, I made many attempts to fill that hole with things that cheer me up: emails, blogs, TV, coffee, etc. Did I feel better after that? Yeah, sometimes. But it was a temporary fix…a bandaid to mask the lonliness for a little while. Amazing how I couldn’t get it through that thick skull that the only thing that would fill me was time with God.

I remember feeling mad that my husband wasn’t filling me enough and my counselor said, “Marci, that’s not his job!!!” My response, “What? But, isn’t he supposed to love and serve me and take care of me???” Yes! But she said something that totally changed my perspective, “Marci, the only thing that fills that hole is God! Your cup must be full in Him before you can give to others. You give of yourself out of the overflow and others may increase your overflow. But it is no one else’s job to fill Marci except the Lord.” Whoa! That’s a change in perspective!

Do you ever have days you wake up and think, “I just know it…this is going to be a bad day!” That’s me today. I woke up later than I wanted, Dave was already gone, and I was totally unmotivated to do anything. As usual, my mind immediately went to things that I thought might cheer me up and make me feel better. I made coffee, turned on Good Morning America, checked my email, looked at some blogs. But I knew I was making a choice of how to spend my morning. And if it continued as it was going, I would leave for work and feel just as empty as I did when I woke up.

I forced myself to shut down my email, turn off the TV, heat up my coffee, and grab my Bible. Sometimes I think reading the Bible is going to make me feel more exhausted and worn out. What a lie! It’s amazing how Satan will do anything to keep you from intimate time with the Lord. And I don't even have kids yet :0)

I turned on some worship music, sat down and began working on my Bible study. It became evident that my heart had an immediate shift. I was suddenly reminded of what I had learned from my counselor. When I wake up and I am running on empty, I need to run to my Father’s feet and be filled. Anything else would be putting my mind and heart on things that ultimately are unfulfilling and I would be set in the wrong direction. Instead of asking God to come down and be with me and walk with me, I need to go to Him, cling to him, and walk with HIM!!!

2 Timothy 2:13 says, “If we are faithless, He remains Faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.”

Oh how thankful I am that God cannot be anything other than He truly is. Even when I am unfaithful, He remains faithful to me, always beckoning me to come closer to Him.

I don’t know if your day has started out like mine, but if so, go spend some time with your Father. You will be refreshed, rejuvenated, and your heart will overflow! During my time with God, I had a sense to blog about this so I hope it's an encouragement to someone out there today!

ah...how times have changed...

2008-05-10T07:47:00.000-07:00

Well, two very serious posts...it's time for something on the lighter side...I'll never forget what it was like being a newlywed. In some ways, I guess we still are. We will be celebrating 4 years this coming July. But I remember what it was like to have all of our new gifts and gadgets. I set the table every night before bed for breakfast the next morning. I was just enthralled in our new dishes. I guess that's just because I'm fanatical about cooking and kitchen stuff! I remember making apple pie, Nutella crepes, and pizookie on a REGULAR basis. I'll never forget the first or second Christmas at home when David's grandfather, Ponnie said, "Wow Marci, you really are feeding him well." My response, "Yeah, I think so." Well, cleary it was beginning to show...

BEFORE:

We've been losing weight for awhile now and almost to our goals. But I was looking through iphoto and found the picture above and I lost it! I was cracking up! Ponnie was right! I was definitely feeding us and clearly "chubbing" us up pretty well! David was on a business trip and I sent this to him as an encouragement of how far we've come. Being a sweetheart and true husband he said, "Well, Marci, I definitely see the difference in you but I'm not sure about me." YEAH RIGHT!!! He has lost so much weight but I appreciate the affirmation! I'm amazed how we didn't really notice it until we started losing weight. The pic above is from Christmas 2005 and I'm glad to see we've settled into married life more and gotten back to eating healthy!

David and I just recently joined a gym and we are having so much fun with it. It's ended up being a really fun way to spend time together and I think we both have found our own routines to become a personal hobby. David is training for his first 10K and it's exciting to see him come to enjoy something so much.

We bought a Magic Bullet last weekend and for those of you who haven't used one, let me just say, YES, it's as fast as a bullet! Only 1 minute of blending, and "taddah" you have a delicious, perfectly blended smoothie! We have really enjoyed making them and have even started adding tofu to our smoothies. YUM!!!

Below is the most recent pic I have from March. Clearly, I need to be better about taking pics!

AFTER:
Hopefully, I will have some pics of his 10K in a couple of weeks. I've run with him a couple of times in hopes that one day I can maybe, possibly, conceivably, do a Turkey Trot (5K). I'm pretty impressed that he's going right for the 10K.

Ok...I have to stop procrastinating now and go do my workout :0)

Where my journey started...

2008-05-08T07:44:00.000-07:00

Well, I mentioned in my first blog that the past couple of years have been some of the hardest. I thought I would talk about that a little bit as it is the coming out of that that has led to the creation of this blog.

It's been almost 2 years since I had my very first anxiety attack. It was one of the most scary, dark, frightening experiences I've ever had and my heart goes out to anyone who has struggled with anxiety. I had never had one before and I don't think I even knew what was going on at the time.

That led to a vicious cycle of anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and constant fear, never as bad as the first anxiety attack, but there was always this anticipation that it would come back. Because of the immense amount of stress and fear I was going through, my body started showing physical symptoms. I just didn't know what was wrong with me or why I was going through this. I felt so alone and so ashamed because I'm a Christian and felt like I shouldn't struggle with fear. I even became angry at God for allowing me to continue to be afraid and not rescuing me.

I tried many things to distract me from my anxiety or put a mask over it but it became too much to bear alone. I was amazed when I opened up about it how many people actually struggle with the same thing. It was so encouraging to realize that I wasn't alone and that everything I felt was a textbook case of anxiety. A very precious woman, a retired marriage and family therapist, from my church immediately met with me and assured me that everything I felt was very common and that I really needed some counseling to dig deeper.

It took me a long time to summon up the courage to go to counseling as I was afraid of what I might uncover. But I finally found a Christian woman I could go to and that started one of the most amazing journeys in my life. My anxiety immediately was dealt with and within just a few weeks we were peeling back the layers of why the anxiety existed in the first place. I can actually say now that I'm thankful for my anxiety because it forced me to get some help and I don't know that I would have pursued help unless my anxiety had been heightened.

I ended up doing the Beth Moore study "Breaking Free" while I was in counseling and I truly believe they went hand-in-hand. I don't think I could have done one without the other. God taught me so many amazing things and I truly believe I have broken free.

I will not go into all that I've learned through counseling because I just don't have enough space but I can tell you that at the core of my being, what I truly feared was the answers to "Am I loved?" and "Am I known?" That filtered through all of my relationships, including the most important one...my relationship with Jesus. I began questioning, "Does God truly know me and if He does, could He possibly still truly love me?"

Well, of course God's timing is amazing because right after I finished Breaking Free I was able to go to the Beth Moore conference in San Diego. Wouldn't it just be the Lord to put it on her heart to speak on Psalm 139??? The entire conference was all about being known and loved by God. What an AMAZING God to bring all of this together!!! Beth gave us 8 phrases based on this scripture and I would just love to share them with you:

O LORD...I am known
O LORD...I need to be known
O LORD...I'm scared to be known
O LORD...I've always been known
O LORD...I can know because I'm known
O LORD...my enemies are known
O LORD...my anxieties are known
O LORD...Search me and KNOW me!

If you have a chance, look up Psalm 139 in conjunction with these phrases. It is so comforting and refreshing to remember these truths!

You have no idea how hesitant I feel to press the button "publish post" because it is so vulnerable and hard to just put out there. However, it is because of this journey that I even created this blog and if you don't know this part of me then you won't truly be able to know me. This has shaped me in a very significant way and has revolutionized my relationship with God. My prayer is that this would be an encouragement to someone else out there too. I can't even count anymore the number of people I have met who are struggling with anxiety, had no one to talk to, and were ashamed as I was to admit it. My heart is with every single one of them.

Alright...time to wrap it up for now. There's so much to share but I better not share it all in one post!!! I PROMISE GIRLS...my posts will NOT be this long every time. I just needed to put this out there first. I also don't intend this blog to always be serious as I would love to share funny stories, recipes, ponderings...all sorts of things. When God layed it on my heart to start this blog I couldn't stop writing in my journal all the things I wanted to share with you. So, I'm very excited! I will share more of my journey as time goes on but for now this is a summary of what I've been through.

Thanks for your interest and I'm humbled by your willingness to read! You are all so dear to me! Thanks for the comments so far! They truly lifted me up and brightened my soul!

It's all in the name...

2008-05-06T08:14:00.000-07:00

Welcome! This is a very new venture for me and I'm very new to the blogging world. I'm excited to have a place to just put my thoughts out there. I have been longing for a place that would provide edifying, encouraging, fun, loving conversation woman to woman. Interestingly enough, God placed it on my heart to not just sit around and wait for these kinds of conversations but to start them myself. The last couple of years have been some of the toughest, yet most rewarding times in my life (more on this later). I have so much that I would love to share in hopes that there may be someone out there who needs encouragement, who is struggling right along side me, or who has been through a rough patch and can encourage me! I welcome your comments and would love for this to be more of a forum for provoking thoughts, laughter, tears, questions, encouragement, and edification!

I was always hesitant to start my own blog as I felt I didn't have children to dote on yet. But God clearly was speaking to my heart yesterday saying, "why not just have a place you can journal and share your thoughts?" So, here is my attempt at that. This is me at some of my most vulnerable places and commentary on what life brings along and what God is teaching me.

Now to comment on the name of my blog. My precious husband and I sat down with a host of names and ideas for this blog and what it should be called. I will not bore you with some of them but I will tell you we got a good laugh out of the experience. Then, through some research online I happened upon an old phrase, "upon my soul." It is a phrase used as an exclamation of surprise. That pretty much sums up what I thought when God prompted me to start this blog. But, as I pondered this phrase last night, it began growing on me and I realized it was perfect for what I wanted this blog to be about. It's about what is upon my soul...the deepest thoughts in my heart. I hope you enjoy. I am humbled by the idea that anyone would even be interested in reading this blog and I recognize I may be all alone here. But if you are happening upon this blog, I hope you are edified!