Oh what a beautiful morning...

...oh what a beautiful day...I've got this beautiful feeling...everything's going my way.

Well, that was two days ago. But I had to write you about it. I know it's been a long time since my last post and I don't even know who checks up on my blog anymore. The last few months are a blur. Where did Halloween go? When was Thanksgiving? Was Christmas just a few shorts weeks ago?

I wish I could sit here and tell you that the last few months have been glorious and happy and healthy. Unfortunately, not. I woke up one night in a full-body sweat and was panting. I'd had a nightmare that threw back into the vicious cycle of anxiety. I was up most the night and I can honestly tell you it was the second worse panic attack I've had thus far.

I was reading something recently that said, "isn't it always harder to go through something a second time?" This stopped me in my tracks as I realized that yes, it is! I feel like the first time I was really dealing with anxiety, I was on a rampage to find answers and to heal from some things. I was earnestly seeking the Lord daily as I longed to understand what good could come from all this. And I definitely found good! I found that my faith was strengthened and I believed in my Savior more than ever and clung to His sacrifice...the best kind of good! But this time around, I was just plain weary. I didn't even know what to say. I thought that I had come to such a good place and now I felt as though I had taken so many steps backward that I couldn't possibly go through it again. It made me sad as I realized that I was just stuck. Reading this quote just made me realize how easily we give up.

Well, it's winter in So Cal...88 degrees! After my time in the Word the other day, I got my shoes on and dragged my feet all the way out the front door to go to the gym and work out. It was such a beautiful day and I spontaneously decided I'd rather go on a run outside. I grabbed my ipod and armband and headed out...not sure where I would go or how long it would take me (great metaphor!) My husband, Dave, has a running playlist of all worship songs and I thought, what the hay, I'll give it a listen. Chris Tomlin started ringing through my ears and I was off. When I was bringing my run to an end, the song Everlasting God started playing. Some of the lyrics go: "You are the Everlasting God, the Everlasting God. You do not faint, You won't grow weary." And I thought about what I had reflected on that morning and it just hit me. The Lord NEVER grows weary. Why, then, do I grow weary and give up so quickly and so easily? If the God of the universe is willing to love me enough to sacrifice His Son for my benefit and greater good to allow relationship with Him, and He's never going to grow weary, why then do I give up? When I know that all things God uses to work together for good and bring glory to Himself, why do I give up? I wanted to finish my run strong as a testimony and symbol to God that even when I'm tired, I want him to know that I would give it my all.

At one point, I looked ahead of me and it was the straight and narrow path leading home. I thought, "there's no way I can run all that way. I'm tired. I'll just walk." Another metaphor! No, I needed to keep running. I needed to build my physical endurance so that when I am weary and tired spiritually and emotionally, I can remind myself to keep going. I think it also made me realize that when I look so far ahead at life, it seems daunting. I get discouraged at the idea. What I need to do is focus on the sidewalk in front of me and run those few steps....and then some more....and then some more. Before I know it, I will have made it to the finish line. What's important is that I gave my all each step of the way.

Wow...who knew you could get so much out of a run? I hope this is an encouragement to someone out there. More than anything, I think I needed to put my thoughts down and process a little. I have to give a "shout out" to cousin Kari who recently told me that the blogging world was missing me. This one's for you! Hopefully I'm back and will have more to come!

Refreshed, renewed, and blessed...and I hope you are too!

Well, it's been a LONG time. I wish I had a really good reason for why I haven't written but there really isn't one. I think about my blog almost everyday and wonder, "What shall I write?" or "God, what would you have me write?" And truthfully, I just have nothing! Life's been so overwhelming and on such a rollercoaster for the last 2 years that I'm almost weirded out by a sense of "normalcy". Things have been busy with my new job and all but for the first time in probably over 2 years I am not daily plagued by the fears, trembles, and worries of anxiety. This is huge, of course, but it's also strange to be in a time of rest. I try to remind myself everytime I think about this that I need to be thankful for every moment because I don't know what tomorrow or the next day will bring. I've been in the fastlane with God for so many months now and when I initially started this blog I had so many things to write about. I couldn't get my thoughts out fast enough. And now I genuinely don't know what's happening. Whilst (i love that word) pondering what in the world God is doing in my life right now, I stumbled upon my cousin-in-law's blog and God reminded me that even in this time, He has a purpose....to WAIT. I hope you are refreshed, renewed, and blessed by the poem below. I sure was and I don't think I could begin to express to you in better words what this expresses about where I am in life right now. Here it is:

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said,"Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still "Wait".


But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

I will wait on the Lord because I know that whatever HE has in store for me is far better than my wildest dreams! I am waiting with a purpose!

A Sweet Bug Sleepover

Yes, I know...it's been a REALLY long time! More on this later. However, in the meantime, we have had our precious niece over for our very first sleepover...actually...that's not totally true. We did stay with her when she was a mere 6 weeks old so that Jim and Carrie could go overnight for their 10th anniversary. But, now Charlie Mae is a whopping 17 months old and David and I can hardly believe our eyes. It is so fun to have some family nearby and we look forward to many more sleepovers! I think before having Charlie here, we definitely wondered if we would be good parents or could handle it full-time. I think after having her, we are more confident in our ability to one-day be parents! Of course...that would mean having a child as low-maintenance as she is. There was an incident with a squirt gun at the park that did put into question my mothering abilities but I did rescue her (while Uncle Dave took pictures) so I feel ok about that.

Here's a picture of our first sleepover when Charlie (aka: "Bitty") was 6 weeks old:

And our most recent sleepover:

The moment of shock...

Walking to the store to get some things for dinner:

Breakfast...raspberries...waffles...toast...and coffee...wait, how'd that get in there?
"Aunt Marci, you're so silly! I'm not old enough to drink coffee!"

Toast! Much better!

Getting ready to go home...so much fun!

We had a blast! Can't wait for the next time we can have a sleepover...we were supposed to have one this weekend but plans have changed. Stay tuned for the next "Sweet Bug Sleepover"!

Pumpkin Spice is Back!!!

Who better to dictate when Fall is here than good 'ole Starbucks! That's right! Pumpkin Spice is back. If you are living in 95 degree weather as I am, I highly recommend the Pumpkin Spice Creme Frappucino. It's delicious. If only I still worked there and could get drinks for free. They also have a plethora of adorable mugs. It's like stepping into a time warp. Stepping into Starbucks brings a cool breeze and a refreshing hot mug of "the perfect blend of pumpkin and Fall spices". Stepping outside...SWELTERING...like stepping into a hot oven!!!! I guess I'll just dream of cool breezes and changing leaves! Happy Fall to everyone else in the country!

I would love a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils...

Yes, it's that time of year again. I LOVE school supplies. It's been kind of funny because I actually started my new, full-time position at the tutoring company I work for. I am now officially the curriculum director. I was getting ready for my first full day of work and it seriously felt like the first day of school. I was trying to squeeze in every possible moment I had yesterday, feeling like it was the last day of summer.

Seriously, it's not like I live in the arctic. I live in Southern California for crying out peet. It's not like summer is really over. In fact, the high today is 91 degrees. I knew we had acclamated to SoCal when we were laying out at the pool yesterday and Dave said, "Ah, I detect Fall is in the air." Yes, we are definitely Californians now!

Regardless, I still love the smell of newly sharpened pencils and I can't wait to decorate with pumpkins. I wish I could go shopping for school supplies!

Happy Fall everyone!

A new day...a new hope...

Wow...I love God! I love that He knows me inside and out and He knows when enough is enough. Just when I thought I was at my max and couldn't take anymore, He relieves the pressure. I love that when I'm totally exhausting and at my end, I can wake up the next morning with a new day and a new hope. He truly is the Bread of Life. I cannot live without Him and He truly is my strength each and every day. This song came to my mind the other day and I truly don't remember the last time I sang or heard it. Cleary, it was a song from the Spirit at a time when I just needed to express my worship to the Lord:

My life is in you Lord,

My strength is in you Lord,

My hope is in you Lord,

in You, it's in You

I've been keeping a list of the names of God here and there as I learn about them and come across them. It's amazing to me how certain names speak louder at certain times in my life. As mentioned above, I feel like the name, "Bread of Life" speaks louder to me right now than any other time in my life. I feel like I know and understand a side of God I never had before. For so long, I just didn't quite understand what it meant for Jesus to be the sustainer and literally the "bread of life". I think I'm experiencing that now and know what it means to hunger for Him and be sustained by His presence.

Just curious, are there any names of God that you've learned about recently?

What is God up to?

Genesis 27:10-22

Jacob left Beersheba and set out for Harran. When he reached a certain place, he stopped for the night because the sun had set. Taking one of the stones there, he put it under his head and lay down to sleep. He had a dream…When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he thought, “Surely the LORD is in this place, and I was not aware of it.” He was afraid and said, “How awesome is this place!”…Then Jacob made a vow, saying, “If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father’s household, then the LORD will be my God…

I’ve only written a portion of the scripture above because it captures the main point of the scripture. I must be honest with you, I am struggling very much right now. I don’t know exactly what it’s all about but this scripture has been a comfort to me. I was learning in my study of this scripture yesterday that Jacob did not know he was going to have an encounter with God that night. He simply had stopped for the night to sleep and there he encountered the Almighty. In Jacob’s mind, it was random. Yet, God new He was going to have an appointment with Jacob that night.

In many ways, what I’m going through right now feels random. While I can attribute some of it to moving, changing job positions, traveling, etc., it feels frustrating, out of the blue, and confusing. I even feel at times like I’m just going backwards and discouraged.

HOWEVER, the moment I read God’s Word, in particular this passage, I remember that God has a plan for me in EVERYTHING and that He has appointed this time for me. I’m not sure what it’s all about but I think the only thing I can do in the meantime is stay anchored to his Word and say, “Speak, Lord. Your servant is listening.”