Oh what a beautiful morning...

...oh what a beautiful day...I've got this beautiful feeling...everything's going my way.

Well, that was two days ago. But I had to write you about it. I know it's been a long time since my last post and I don't even know who checks up on my blog anymore. The last few months are a blur. Where did Halloween go? When was Thanksgiving? Was Christmas just a few shorts weeks ago?

I wish I could sit here and tell you that the last few months have been glorious and happy and healthy. Unfortunately, not. I woke up one night in a full-body sweat and was panting. I'd had a nightmare that threw back into the vicious cycle of anxiety. I was up most the night and I can honestly tell you it was the second worse panic attack I've had thus far.

I was reading something recently that said, "isn't it always harder to go through something a second time?" This stopped me in my tracks as I realized that yes, it is! I feel like the first time I was really dealing with anxiety, I was on a rampage to find answers and to heal from some things. I was earnestly seeking the Lord daily as I longed to understand what good could come from all this. And I definitely found good! I found that my faith was strengthened and I believed in my Savior more than ever and clung to His sacrifice...the best kind of good! But this time around, I was just plain weary. I didn't even know what to say. I thought that I had come to such a good place and now I felt as though I had taken so many steps backward that I couldn't possibly go through it again. It made me sad as I realized that I was just stuck. Reading this quote just made me realize how easily we give up.

Well, it's winter in So Cal...88 degrees! After my time in the Word the other day, I got my shoes on and dragged my feet all the way out the front door to go to the gym and work out. It was such a beautiful day and I spontaneously decided I'd rather go on a run outside. I grabbed my ipod and armband and headed out...not sure where I would go or how long it would take me (great metaphor!) My husband, Dave, has a running playlist of all worship songs and I thought, what the hay, I'll give it a listen. Chris Tomlin started ringing through my ears and I was off. When I was bringing my run to an end, the song Everlasting God started playing. Some of the lyrics go: "You are the Everlasting God, the Everlasting God. You do not faint, You won't grow weary." And I thought about what I had reflected on that morning and it just hit me. The Lord NEVER grows weary. Why, then, do I grow weary and give up so quickly and so easily? If the God of the universe is willing to love me enough to sacrifice His Son for my benefit and greater good to allow relationship with Him, and He's never going to grow weary, why then do I give up? When I know that all things God uses to work together for good and bring glory to Himself, why do I give up? I wanted to finish my run strong as a testimony and symbol to God that even when I'm tired, I want him to know that I would give it my all.

At one point, I looked ahead of me and it was the straight and narrow path leading home. I thought, "there's no way I can run all that way. I'm tired. I'll just walk." Another metaphor! No, I needed to keep running. I needed to build my physical endurance so that when I am weary and tired spiritually and emotionally, I can remind myself to keep going. I think it also made me realize that when I look so far ahead at life, it seems daunting. I get discouraged at the idea. What I need to do is focus on the sidewalk in front of me and run those few steps....and then some more....and then some more. Before I know it, I will have made it to the finish line. What's important is that I gave my all each step of the way.

Wow...who knew you could get so much out of a run? I hope this is an encouragement to someone out there. More than anything, I think I needed to put my thoughts down and process a little. I have to give a "shout out" to cousin Kari who recently told me that the blogging world was missing me. This one's for you! Hopefully I'm back and will have more to come!