Are you ever thankful for a trial?

Hello my dear friends. We are finally over the flu...I hope. It's so nice to not be living off of Chicken Noodle soup and Gatorade!!!

It's been a long time since my last post and I feel like so much has happened. It's hard to even know where to begin or express all that's going on in my own heart.

Let me start by saying that this post has been extremely difficult to write. I have re-written it about 8 times. I even posted it and ended up coming back and deleting it. It’s not easy to write about and I often struggle with what to share and how to share it. So, here’s the latest attempt. I apologize if it’s hard to follow.

Let me start my story here...we're moving. NOT out of Corona, but nonetheless, we're moving. This past Saturday was the first day we woke up and were not plagued by dizziness and we jumped in the car and did some errands together. We grabbed our favorite drinks at Starbucks and we were just loving the time together. We got home and there was a notice on our door. I assumed it was to let us know that once again they'd be raising our rent with the renewal of our lease this month. On the contrary, it was a notice that we had to be out of our apartment by June 30th due to company-wide renovations.

LONG LONG story short, we have found a new place to live. As my post title suggests, I have no idea what God is up to but David and I both have the sense that God is removing us from this place fast. We debated all sorts of things and spent hours on Craig's List looking at options. Do we transfer to an already-renovated apartment on this same property for a much higher price and same amount of space? Do we look at rental houses? Do we move closer to my new job? Do we stay in Corona? Do we look at apartments? It was crazy. Amazingly, the very FIRST place I found on Craig's list and the very LAST place we ended up looking at has become our new home, starting July 2nd. For almost the same price to get a small apartment at our current location, we are getting a much much bigger, two-story apartment. We've never made a decision so fast. We got our notice around noon and we were putting money down and filling out applications for a new apartment at 6 that night. It was CRAZY! But, it was blatantly obvious that this was our new home.

The point of this story is to relate it to my struggle with anxiety. The other night I was driving home from something and for whatever reason, I started to feel that pit in my stomach. I felt it growing and growing. It was a good ‘ole fashioned bout of anxiety. It’s been awhile since this has happened. I suddenly felt like I was taking 20 steps backward from how far I’d come. I was so frustrated. As soon as these feelings start, my anxiety usually starts attaching itself to irrational thoughts: “what if I die on the way home?” “What if something happens to Dave?” “what if something happens to someone I love?”

Throughout counseling I have learned that this is just the cycle of irrational thoughts I get stuck in when my anxiety starts to surface. I try to ignore it but by doing so, the anxiety builds like a huge pot of boiling water. I immediately turned on the radio as a distraction, hoping it would transport me to a different emotional state. It was uncanny. Every song on every station was some sappy love song talking about a loved one passing away. So, I tried the Christian talk station. The topic? The frailty of life. My anxiety was about to hit the roof. I couldn’t ignore it.

As a side bar, let me say that this is often how anxiety works. It starts this cycle of emotions and irrational thoughts and will attach itself to anything it can get a hold of, usually because there are some feelings deep down that have not be brought to the surface. Rarely, do those thought patterns connect with the real reason for the anxiety. Over the past couple of years, I’ve learned to recognize this pattern and when I start peeling back the layers, I find the real cause for the anxiety. My anxiety usually surfaces because I’ve ignored something and the feelings start to build and build and build inside until anxiety finally takes over.

I knew I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer so I burst through the door, broke down, and told Dave I was feeling really anxious. He immediately wrapped his arms around me, knowing that I feel very insecure in these moments. He asked me what I needed and I told him I knew I needed to journal this out and figure out where the anxiety was coming from.

I’m always amazed when I start journaling, where I end up. It’s a very interesting thought process. One of the triggers for my anxiety is life transition. This is fairly common for those who struggle with anxiety. As I journaled, I realized how many transitions I was currently dealing with and I really hadn’t taken any time to process the emotions of those transitions. Big or small, it doesn’t matter the size of the transition. It doesn’t even matter if it’s a positive or negative transition, it’s just that’s it’s a change. Some of the biggies: starting a new job and moving out of our home. I realized how much the change was affecting me even though it’s positive change.

As I journaled, I couldn’t help being so frustrated. Why was I struggling with this again? Why was the anxiety back? I thought I had conquered it. I thought it was over. I thought I had broken free from this stronghold. Why why why??? Well, God reminded me that it’s not about me becoming independent. It’s about me recognizing my need for dependence and rather than placing it on something futile, I need to be totally dependent on my Savior. I realized God used the anxiety that night to drive me right back into His arms. Through all the change and distraction, I think I’d drifted my attention away a little.

It was a good reminder that my anxiety is not gone. It probably will be there the rest of my life. Have I learned to deal with it? Yes. Have I learned to control it? Yes. Do I stumble and fall still? YES! As odd as this sounds, I'm actually thankful for my anxiety because I've never had something that drives me to my knees, and sometimes on my face, more than in these moments. Truthfully, I think it's because of my struggle that I'm constantly driven back into the loving arms of my Heavenly Father when I start to drift away. Without these experiences, I'm not sure I would dig so deep and cling so tight to the One in whom I have eternal security and everlasting relationship.

If this rings true for any one else out there, my heart genuinely goes out to you and I’m on this journey with you. I've often felt so alone in this process and I'm always comforted when I realize that there are so many others who deal with this same trial...or even a different trial but the same life lessons. I'm so thankful we're not alone in this and that we have each other to cling to.