down with the flu...

Ok...this is my third and last post for today, I promise. Dave and I have been down with the flu for several days. We've watched movies, eaten a ton of chicken noodle soup, cheese and crackers, read by the fire. What's left to do? BLOG! So, don't miss the 2 posts before this one!

Just a quick update: Dave had to cancel his 10K this weekend due to the flu. Sad sad sad. We almost went to get the free t-shirt (how sad are we?) but decided we would feel too bummed not to be there for the run. So, until further notice, we are down with the flu. Hopefully he can enter another race soon. He thinks I should be ready to run a 5K with him by August. HA!

Am I already getting old?

Yes, I know....two posts in one day. But I HAD to share a story. So, if you've read the post below, you know that I've been working for a tutoring company. Half of my job is to manage an after-school tutoring program at a local elementary school. I have about 9 tutors and 45 kids. They referred to me as the "tutoring principal" as I am the final say on discipline...ok...stop laughing. :0)

I got to know the kids really well. I would joke around with them here and there but this conversation made me feel old...or dumb:

Set-up: It was after the program and we were all waiting in front of the school for the students to be picked up. There was one student left:

Marci: "Hey man, what's up?"

Student: "what?"

Marci: "How's it hangin'?"

Student: blank stares, "huh?"

Marci: "What's the haps bro?"

Student: no response...more blank stares

Marci: "Just chillin' like a villain?"

Student: "I don't get you"

Ok...am I old? Clearly I am using slang that works in my generation. He doesn't get me??? HELP!!! I guess I need to brush up on the latest phrases. Scary! But it still makes me laugh! I guess I'm not cool!

Out with the old...in with the new...

Not only have the last couple of years been an emotional journey, they've also been a "job hunt" journey. As many of you know, I've been on quite the job turnaround the last few years. It's been interesting! Graduating from college and getting a full-time job is not what you think it's going to be. Rarely do you graduate and land that perfect job you'll be in for years to come.

Right after graduating and getting married, I taught at a private elementary school for one year. Within that year, David ended up getting the job he's in now and was commuting an hour away until I finished teaching. Right after I finished the school year, we packed up and moved closer to his work. The plan? For me to stop working and start having a family. HA! God had a totally different plan.

Thus my very interesting journey through jobs: substitute teaching, receptionist, and then one of my all-time favorite jobs:

That's right...I'm still considered a "certified barista"!!! If you look closely you will notice that this picture was around Christmastime and boy oh boy is that the best time of the year! It was so much fun! One of the best things I got out of the deal was an espresso machine. It's amazing! And I can whip up just about anything...Dave's gotten very good at it too...although I think he's determined to become "more certified" than me :)

Anyhoo, throughout that process I was in counseling and it was the best job I could have imagined during such an intense time of life. Who doesn't just want to decompress by whipping up some foam or frappuccino's? There were MANY times during this journey I sat and thought, "I have a degree in education and a year of teaching under my belt. And I work at Starbucks. What am I doing?" But God had a purpose even in that.

I ended up having to get another job and started with a tutoring company. Before I knew it, they had offered me a management position part-time and were also curious if I would start writing their phonics curricula. Things started out slow but I really started enjoying my job. It was awesome!

BUT, I had to give up Starbucks. It was time to move on but oh how I miss my discount! TANGENT: By the time all my papers were processed there, I still enjoyed my benefits for a couple of months. And yes, we loaded up! One of the biggest complaints I heard was how expensive everything is there. With my discount, I didn't really pay much attention. Now I know! And there's a Starbucks right next to our tutoring center!!!!

All that to say...I had my evaluation about two weeks ago and to my surprise they offered me a full-time job as a curriculum developer. I'm sooooooo excited! It won't officially start until the Fall but I have a bunch of summer projects to start working on! I will be creating an outline for an elementary math curriculum and will also be finishing up phonics. I will be training tutors and continuing to check in on their progress with the curricula! It's amazing. I wanted to respond by saying, "Wait, you want to just offer me a job??? You mean I don't have to start looking through the newspaper every morning and faxing my resume? You mean I don't have to have an account with Monster.com anymore? You seriously just want to give me a job? Umm..ok...I'LL TAKE IT!!!"

God is so good...all the time...God is good! He allowed me to have some fun at Starbucks during a very hard emotional time. And right as I have tied up the loose ends on my counseling, He drops this job on my plate. Very exciting!

Just thought many of you out there may not know what I even do these days! I understand...it's changed MULTIPLE times! Hopefully I will get to stay here for awhile. I absolutely LOVE the job, the people, and the atmosphere. It's my niche. I even like it better than teaching!!!! So, I will keep you updated! It definitely has the potential to turn into an at-home job when children come our way! Love you all!

What do you set your eyes on in the morning?

During my counseling, one of things that always tugged at my heart was a feeling of loneliness or emptiness. I could never really put my finger on it and I was never sure why it was there or what I was missing.

The days I woke up that way, I made many attempts to fill that hole with things that cheer me up: emails, blogs, TV, coffee, etc. Did I feel better after that? Yeah, sometimes. But it was a temporary fix…a bandaid to mask the lonliness for a little while. Amazing how I couldn’t get it through that thick skull that the only thing that would fill me was time with God.

I remember feeling mad that my husband wasn’t filling me enough and my counselor said, “Marci, that’s not his job!!!” My response, “What? But, isn’t he supposed to love and serve me and take care of me???” Yes! But she said something that totally changed my perspective, “Marci, the only thing that fills that hole is God! Your cup must be full in Him before you can give to others. You give of yourself out of the overflow and others may increase your overflow. But it is no one else’s job to fill Marci except the Lord.” Whoa! That’s a change in perspective!

Do you ever have days you wake up and think, “I just know it…this is going to be a bad day!” That’s me today. I woke up later than I wanted, Dave was already gone, and I was totally unmotivated to do anything. As usual, my mind immediately went to things that I thought might cheer me up and make me feel better. I made coffee, turned on Good Morning America, checked my email, looked at some blogs. But I knew I was making a choice of how to spend my morning. And if it continued as it was going, I would leave for work and feel just as empty as I did when I woke up.

I forced myself to shut down my email, turn off the TV, heat up my coffee, and grab my Bible. Sometimes I think reading the Bible is going to make me feel more exhausted and worn out. What a lie! It’s amazing how Satan will do anything to keep you from intimate time with the Lord. And I don't even have kids yet :0)

I turned on some worship music, sat down and began working on my Bible study. It became evident that my heart had an immediate shift. I was suddenly reminded of what I had learned from my counselor. When I wake up and I am running on empty, I need to run to my Father’s feet and be filled. Anything else would be putting my mind and heart on things that ultimately are unfulfilling and I would be set in the wrong direction. Instead of asking God to come down and be with me and walk with me, I need to go to Him, cling to him, and walk with HIM!!!

2 Timothy 2:13 says, “If we are faithless, He remains Faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.”

Oh how thankful I am that God cannot be anything other than He truly is. Even when I am unfaithful, He remains faithful to me, always beckoning me to come closer to Him.

I don’t know if your day has started out like mine, but if so, go spend some time with your Father. You will be refreshed, rejuvenated, and your heart will overflow! During my time with God, I had a sense to blog about this so I hope it's an encouragement to someone out there today!

ah...how times have changed...

Well, two very serious posts...it's time for something on the lighter side...I'll never forget what it was like being a newlywed. In some ways, I guess we still are. We will be celebrating 4 years this coming July. But I remember what it was like to have all of our new gifts and gadgets. I set the table every night before bed for breakfast the next morning. I was just enthralled in our new dishes. I guess that's just because I'm fanatical about cooking and kitchen stuff! I remember making apple pie, Nutella crepes, and pizookie on a REGULAR basis. I'll never forget the first or second Christmas at home when David's grandfather, Ponnie said, "Wow Marci, you really are feeding him well." My response, "Yeah, I think so." Well, cleary it was beginning to show...

BEFORE:


We've been losing weight for awhile now and almost to our goals. But I was looking through iphoto and found the picture above and I lost it! I was cracking up! Ponnie was right! I was definitely feeding us and clearly "chubbing" us up pretty well! David was on a business trip and I sent this to him as an encouragement of how far we've come. Being a sweetheart and true husband he said, "Well, Marci, I definitely see the difference in you but I'm not sure about me." YEAH RIGHT!!! He has lost so much weight but I appreciate the affirmation! I'm amazed how we didn't really notice it until we started losing weight. The pic above is from Christmas 2005 and I'm glad to see we've settled into married life more and gotten back to eating healthy!

David and I just recently joined a gym and we are having so much fun with it. It's ended up being a really fun way to spend time together and I think we both have found our own routines to become a personal hobby. David is training for his first 10K and it's exciting to see him come to enjoy something so much.

We bought a Magic Bullet last weekend and for those of you who haven't used one, let me just say, YES, it's as fast as a bullet! Only 1 minute of blending, and "taddah" you have a delicious, perfectly blended smoothie! We have really enjoyed making them and have even started adding tofu to our smoothies. YUM!!!

Below is the most recent pic I have from March. Clearly, I need to be better about taking pics!

AFTER:
Hopefully, I will have some pics of his 10K in a couple of weeks. I've run with him a couple of times in hopes that one day I can maybe, possibly, conceivably, do a Turkey Trot (5K). I'm pretty impressed that he's going right for the 10K.

Ok...I have to stop procrastinating now and go do my workout :0)

Where my journey started...

Well, I mentioned in my first blog that the past couple of years have been some of the hardest. I thought I would talk about that a little bit as it is the coming out of that that has led to the creation of this blog.

It's been almost 2 years since I had my very first anxiety attack. It was one of the most scary, dark, frightening experiences I've ever had and my heart goes out to anyone who has struggled with anxiety. I had never had one before and I don't think I even knew what was going on at the time.

That led to a vicious cycle of anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and constant fear, never as bad as the first anxiety attack, but there was always this anticipation that it would come back. Because of the immense amount of stress and fear I was going through, my body started showing physical symptoms. I just didn't know what was wrong with me or why I was going through this. I felt so alone and so ashamed because I'm a Christian and felt like I shouldn't struggle with fear. I even became angry at God for allowing me to continue to be afraid and not rescuing me.

I tried many things to distract me from my anxiety or put a mask over it but it became too much to bear alone. I was amazed when I opened up about it how many people actually struggle with the same thing. It was so encouraging to realize that I wasn't alone and that everything I felt was a textbook case of anxiety. A very precious woman, a retired marriage and family therapist, from my church immediately met with me and assured me that everything I felt was very common and that I really needed some counseling to dig deeper.

It took me a long time to summon up the courage to go to counseling as I was afraid of what I might uncover. But I finally found a Christian woman I could go to and that started one of the most amazing journeys in my life. My anxiety immediately was dealt with and within just a few weeks we were peeling back the layers of why the anxiety existed in the first place. I can actually say now that I'm thankful for my anxiety because it forced me to get some help and I don't know that I would have pursued help unless my anxiety had been heightened.

I ended up doing the Beth Moore study "Breaking Free" while I was in counseling and I truly believe they went hand-in-hand. I don't think I could have done one without the other. God taught me so many amazing things and I truly believe I have broken free.

I will not go into all that I've learned through counseling because I just don't have enough space but I can tell you that at the core of my being, what I truly feared was the answers to "Am I loved?" and "Am I known?" That filtered through all of my relationships, including the most important one...my relationship with Jesus. I began questioning, "Does God truly know me and if He does, could He possibly still truly love me?"

Well, of course God's timing is amazing because right after I finished Breaking Free I was able to go to the Beth Moore conference in San Diego. Wouldn't it just be the Lord to put it on her heart to speak on Psalm 139??? The entire conference was all about being known and loved by God. What an AMAZING God to bring all of this together!!! Beth gave us 8 phrases based on this scripture and I would just love to share them with you:

1. O LORD...I am known
2. O LORD...I need to be known
3. O LORD...I'm scared to be known
4. O LORD...I've always been known
5. O LORD...I can know because I'm known
6. O LORD...my enemies are known
7. O LORD...my anxieties are known
8. O LORD...Search me and KNOW me!

If you have a chance, look up Psalm 139 in conjunction with these phrases. It is so comforting and refreshing to remember these truths!

You have no idea how hesitant I feel to press the button "publish post" because it is so vulnerable and hard to just put out there. However, it is because of this journey that I even created this blog and if you don't know this part of me then you won't truly be able to know me. This has shaped me in a very significant way and has revolutionized my relationship with God. My prayer is that this would be an encouragement to someone else out there too. I can't even count anymore the number of people I have met who are struggling with anxiety, had no one to talk to, and were ashamed as I was to admit it. My heart is with every single one of them.

Alright...time to wrap it up for now. There's so much to share but I better not share it all in one post!!! I PROMISE GIRLS...my posts will NOT be this long every time. I just needed to put this out there first. I also don't intend this blog to always be serious as I would love to share funny stories, recipes, ponderings...all sorts of things. When God layed it on my heart to start this blog I couldn't stop writing in my journal all the things I wanted to share with you. So, I'm very excited! I will share more of my journey as time goes on but for now this is a summary of what I've been through.

Thanks for your interest and I'm humbled by your willingness to read! You are all so dear to me! Thanks for the comments so far! They truly lifted me up and brightened my soul!

It's all in the name...

Welcome! This is a very new venture for me and I'm very new to the blogging world. I'm excited to have a place to just put my thoughts out there. I have been longing for a place that would provide edifying, encouraging, fun, loving conversation woman to woman. Interestingly enough, God placed it on my heart to not just sit around and wait for these kinds of conversations but to start them myself. The last couple of years have been some of the toughest, yet most rewarding times in my life (more on this later). I have so much that I would love to share in hopes that there may be someone out there who needs encouragement, who is struggling right along side me, or who has been through a rough patch and can encourage me! I welcome your comments and would love for this to be more of a forum for provoking thoughts, laughter, tears, questions, encouragement, and edification!

I was always hesitant to start my own blog as I felt I didn't have children to dote on yet. But God clearly was speaking to my heart yesterday saying, "why not just have a place you can journal and share your thoughts?" So, here is my attempt at that. This is me at some of my most vulnerable places and commentary on what life brings along and what God is teaching me.

Now to comment on the name of my blog. My precious husband and I sat down with a host of names and ideas for this blog and what it should be called. I will not bore you with some of them but I will tell you we got a good laugh out of the experience. Then, through some research online I happened upon an old phrase, "upon my soul." It is a phrase used as an exclamation of surprise. That pretty much sums up what I thought when God prompted me to start this blog. But, as I pondered this phrase last night, it began growing on me and I realized it was perfect for what I wanted this blog to be about. It's about what is upon my soul...the deepest thoughts in my heart. I hope you enjoy. I am humbled by the idea that anyone would even be interested in reading this blog and I recognize I may be all alone here. But if you are happening upon this blog, I hope you are edified!