Where my journey started...

Well, I mentioned in my first blog that the past couple of years have been some of the hardest. I thought I would talk about that a little bit as it is the coming out of that that has led to the creation of this blog.

It's been almost 2 years since I had my very first anxiety attack. It was one of the most scary, dark, frightening experiences I've ever had and my heart goes out to anyone who has struggled with anxiety. I had never had one before and I don't think I even knew what was going on at the time.

That led to a vicious cycle of anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and constant fear, never as bad as the first anxiety attack, but there was always this anticipation that it would come back. Because of the immense amount of stress and fear I was going through, my body started showing physical symptoms. I just didn't know what was wrong with me or why I was going through this. I felt so alone and so ashamed because I'm a Christian and felt like I shouldn't struggle with fear. I even became angry at God for allowing me to continue to be afraid and not rescuing me.

I tried many things to distract me from my anxiety or put a mask over it but it became too much to bear alone. I was amazed when I opened up about it how many people actually struggle with the same thing. It was so encouraging to realize that I wasn't alone and that everything I felt was a textbook case of anxiety. A very precious woman, a retired marriage and family therapist, from my church immediately met with me and assured me that everything I felt was very common and that I really needed some counseling to dig deeper.

It took me a long time to summon up the courage to go to counseling as I was afraid of what I might uncover. But I finally found a Christian woman I could go to and that started one of the most amazing journeys in my life. My anxiety immediately was dealt with and within just a few weeks we were peeling back the layers of why the anxiety existed in the first place. I can actually say now that I'm thankful for my anxiety because it forced me to get some help and I don't know that I would have pursued help unless my anxiety had been heightened.

I ended up doing the Beth Moore study "Breaking Free" while I was in counseling and I truly believe they went hand-in-hand. I don't think I could have done one without the other. God taught me so many amazing things and I truly believe I have broken free.

I will not go into all that I've learned through counseling because I just don't have enough space but I can tell you that at the core of my being, what I truly feared was the answers to "Am I loved?" and "Am I known?" That filtered through all of my relationships, including the most important one...my relationship with Jesus. I began questioning, "Does God truly know me and if He does, could He possibly still truly love me?"

Well, of course God's timing is amazing because right after I finished Breaking Free I was able to go to the Beth Moore conference in San Diego. Wouldn't it just be the Lord to put it on her heart to speak on Psalm 139??? The entire conference was all about being known and loved by God. What an AMAZING God to bring all of this together!!! Beth gave us 8 phrases based on this scripture and I would just love to share them with you:

1. O LORD...I am known
2. O LORD...I need to be known
3. O LORD...I'm scared to be known
4. O LORD...I've always been known
5. O LORD...I can know because I'm known
6. O LORD...my enemies are known
7. O LORD...my anxieties are known
8. O LORD...Search me and KNOW me!

If you have a chance, look up Psalm 139 in conjunction with these phrases. It is so comforting and refreshing to remember these truths!

You have no idea how hesitant I feel to press the button "publish post" because it is so vulnerable and hard to just put out there. However, it is because of this journey that I even created this blog and if you don't know this part of me then you won't truly be able to know me. This has shaped me in a very significant way and has revolutionized my relationship with God. My prayer is that this would be an encouragement to someone else out there too. I can't even count anymore the number of people I have met who are struggling with anxiety, had no one to talk to, and were ashamed as I was to admit it. My heart is with every single one of them.

Alright...time to wrap it up for now. There's so much to share but I better not share it all in one post!!! I PROMISE GIRLS...my posts will NOT be this long every time. I just needed to put this out there first. I also don't intend this blog to always be serious as I would love to share funny stories, recipes, ponderings...all sorts of things. When God layed it on my heart to start this blog I couldn't stop writing in my journal all the things I wanted to share with you. So, I'm very excited! I will share more of my journey as time goes on but for now this is a summary of what I've been through.

Thanks for your interest and I'm humbled by your willingness to read! You are all so dear to me! Thanks for the comments so far! They truly lifted me up and brightened my soul!