Refreshed, renewed, and blessed...and I hope you are too!

Well, it's been a LONG time. I wish I had a really good reason for why I haven't written but there really isn't one. I think about my blog almost everyday and wonder, "What shall I write?" or "God, what would you have me write?" And truthfully, I just have nothing! Life's been so overwhelming and on such a rollercoaster for the last 2 years that I'm almost weirded out by a sense of "normalcy". Things have been busy with my new job and all but for the first time in probably over 2 years I am not daily plagued by the fears, trembles, and worries of anxiety. This is huge, of course, but it's also strange to be in a time of rest. I try to remind myself everytime I think about this that I need to be thankful for every moment because I don't know what tomorrow or the next day will bring. I've been in the fastlane with God for so many months now and when I initially started this blog I had so many things to write about. I couldn't get my thoughts out fast enough. And now I genuinely don't know what's happening. Whilst (i love that word) pondering what in the world God is doing in my life right now, I stumbled upon my cousin-in-law's blog and God reminded me that even in this time, He has a purpose....to WAIT. I hope you are refreshed, renewed, and blessed by the poem below. I sure was and I don't think I could begin to express to you in better words what this expresses about where I am in life right now. Here it is:

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said,"Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still "Wait".


But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

I will wait on the Lord because I know that whatever HE has in store for me is far better than my wildest dreams! I am waiting with a purpose!

A Sweet Bug Sleepover

Yes, I know...it's been a REALLY long time! More on this later. However, in the meantime, we have had our precious niece over for our very first sleepover...actually...that's not totally true. We did stay with her when she was a mere 6 weeks old so that Jim and Carrie could go overnight for their 10th anniversary. But, now Charlie Mae is a whopping 17 months old and David and I can hardly believe our eyes. It is so fun to have some family nearby and we look forward to many more sleepovers! I think before having Charlie here, we definitely wondered if we would be good parents or could handle it full-time. I think after having her, we are more confident in our ability to one-day be parents! Of course...that would mean having a child as low-maintenance as she is. There was an incident with a squirt gun at the park that did put into question my mothering abilities but I did rescue her (while Uncle Dave took pictures) so I feel ok about that.

Here's a picture of our first sleepover when Charlie (aka: "Bitty") was 6 weeks old:

And our most recent sleepover:

The moment of shock...

Walking to the store to get some things for dinner:

Breakfast...raspberries...waffles...toast...and coffee...wait, how'd that get in there?
"Aunt Marci, you're so silly! I'm not old enough to drink coffee!"

Toast! Much better!

Getting ready to go home...so much fun!

We had a blast! Can't wait for the next time we can have a sleepover...we were supposed to have one this weekend but plans have changed. Stay tuned for the next "Sweet Bug Sleepover"!

Pumpkin Spice is Back!!!

Who better to dictate when Fall is here than good 'ole Starbucks! That's right! Pumpkin Spice is back. If you are living in 95 degree weather as I am, I highly recommend the Pumpkin Spice Creme Frappucino. It's delicious. If only I still worked there and could get drinks for free. They also have a plethora of adorable mugs. It's like stepping into a time warp. Stepping into Starbucks brings a cool breeze and a refreshing hot mug of "the perfect blend of pumpkin and Fall spices". Stepping outside...SWELTERING...like stepping into a hot oven!!!! I guess I'll just dream of cool breezes and changing leaves! Happy Fall to everyone else in the country!

I would love a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils...

Yes, it's that time of year again. I LOVE school supplies. It's been kind of funny because I actually started my new, full-time position at the tutoring company I work for. I am now officially the curriculum director. I was getting ready for my first full day of work and it seriously felt like the first day of school. I was trying to squeeze in every possible moment I had yesterday, feeling like it was the last day of summer.

Seriously, it's not like I live in the arctic. I live in Southern California for crying out peet. It's not like summer is really over. In fact, the high today is 91 degrees. I knew we had acclamated to SoCal when we were laying out at the pool yesterday and Dave said, "Ah, I detect Fall is in the air." Yes, we are definitely Californians now!

Regardless, I still love the smell of newly sharpened pencils and I can't wait to decorate with pumpkins. I wish I could go shopping for school supplies!

Happy Fall everyone!

A new day...a new hope...

Wow...I love God! I love that He knows me inside and out and He knows when enough is enough. Just when I thought I was at my max and couldn't take anymore, He relieves the pressure. I love that when I'm totally exhausting and at my end, I can wake up the next morning with a new day and a new hope. He truly is the Bread of Life. I cannot live without Him and He truly is my strength each and every day. This song came to my mind the other day and I truly don't remember the last time I sang or heard it. Cleary, it was a song from the Spirit at a time when I just needed to express my worship to the Lord:

My life is in you Lord,

My strength is in you Lord,

My hope is in you Lord,

in You, it's in You

I've been keeping a list of the names of God here and there as I learn about them and come across them. It's amazing to me how certain names speak louder at certain times in my life. As mentioned above, I feel like the name, "Bread of Life" speaks louder to me right now than any other time in my life. I feel like I know and understand a side of God I never had before. For so long, I just didn't quite understand what it meant for Jesus to be the sustainer and literally the "bread of life". I think I'm experiencing that now and know what it means to hunger for Him and be sustained by His presence.

Just curious, are there any names of God that you've learned about recently?

What is God up to?

Genesis 27:10-22

Jacob left Beersheba and set out for Harran. When he reached a certain place, he stopped for the night because the sun had set. Taking one of the stones there, he put it under his head and lay down to sleep. He had a dream…When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he thought, “Surely the LORD is in this place, and I was not aware of it.” He was afraid and said, “How awesome is this place!”…Then Jacob made a vow, saying, “If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father’s household, then the LORD will be my God…

I’ve only written a portion of the scripture above because it captures the main point of the scripture. I must be honest with you, I am struggling very much right now. I don’t know exactly what it’s all about but this scripture has been a comfort to me. I was learning in my study of this scripture yesterday that Jacob did not know he was going to have an encounter with God that night. He simply had stopped for the night to sleep and there he encountered the Almighty. In Jacob’s mind, it was random. Yet, God new He was going to have an appointment with Jacob that night.

In many ways, what I’m going through right now feels random. While I can attribute some of it to moving, changing job positions, traveling, etc., it feels frustrating, out of the blue, and confusing. I even feel at times like I’m just going backwards and discouraged.

HOWEVER, the moment I read God’s Word, in particular this passage, I remember that God has a plan for me in EVERYTHING and that He has appointed this time for me. I’m not sure what it’s all about but I think the only thing I can do in the meantime is stay anchored to his Word and say, “Speak, Lord. Your servant is listening.”

A time of remembrance...

Well, David and I just celebrated our 4th anniversary. What a special time we had. He surprised me with a trip up to Sonoma (Napa Valley area) and we just had a delightful time. We stayed in a 1-room Bed and Breakfast that was just adorable. We visited several wineries and got some great souvenirs. My favorite had to be our day trip to a local spa in which we did a mud slide treatment and then spent the day lounging in the pool. So relaxing! I've included a couple of pictures below. Unfortunately, we did not take very many pictures at all. We were just having too good of a time!



One of the best wedding gifts we received was an Anniversary Journal. It catalogs the first 25 years of our marriage. Each year we each get a page to journal about the previous year together and then there's a section where we write out our favorite memories of the year. This year was particularly interesting as I grabbed the journal, a hot cup of tea, and went out to sit by the creek and write. I will say this has been one of the best years of our marriage, I think in part due to my own growth process. As I've come into more wholeness and healing, I've seen our marriage blossom. I read through the last 3 years of journal entries and I was just cracking up at some of the memories we wrote down and so filled with joy at what we had journaled. What a great way to stop and reflect and remember our year together.

I've been doing a Beth Moore study, Stepping Up, that goes over several of the Psalms titled, the Psalms of Ascent. These psalms were sung during the Israelites yearly pilgrimage to Jerusalem. I've been fascinated by this as as Beth has related this to our own pilgrimages. These psalms were sung as a reminder of who God is, what He had done for them, and encouragement of where they were headed.

It's really gotten me thinking. I take time every year to get away with David and journal about our marriage. In a way, it's somewhat of a "pilgrimage" through our year together and a chance to remember how we've grown and what God had taught us throughout the year.

I don't do that with anything else in my life and I realized I should. I often don't look back over a time period of growth with God and just spend time reflecting, worshiping, and thanking Him for where I've been.

I wish I remembered the actual date I became a Christian. I'm always amazed by people who know their Christian birthday. I definitely have the memory of it but I don't even know what time of year it was. I was only 5. However, while that was a significant milestone, I have had very significant periods of growth since then. This year tops them all. I have never been so deep in a pit before and watched God pull me out and transform me. Throughout counseling, my counselor encouraged me to journal. I did journal some, but at the conclusion of counseling I have journaled more frequently than ever before. I think it's because I don't have that outlet of counseling anymore.

Ok...I really am going somewhere with this :) Hang with me...

I'll never forget the day I realized I had broken free. I was doing the Beth Moore study, "Breaking Free", and I wondered what it would look like when I actually broke free. I was in the shower and it dawned on me, I was free. It's a process. It wasn't like I was all chained up and then suddenly free...God had to unlock every single chain and it was like the final key had been turned and I was free. I didn't even know at the time what to do with such freedom. So I immediately dropped to my knees and asked God to never let me forget what I had been through. I told my counselor on the last day that I just never want to forget this journey and all that God brought me through. She said, "Well, you've journaled through it, right?" Yeah...not as much as I should have...but I do now.

I realized, this was a momentous occasion in my spiritual life. And I definitely remember the day I broke free. I should be taking time to celebrate that. Just as the Israelites traveled to Jerusalem each year and celebrated through several festivals, singing and praising God, I need to do that as well.

It's amazing how busy and wrapped up in life we get. But are we taking the time to just sit before God and look at our year with Him? Are we taking time to remember the huge milestones we've had with Him? Are we remembering what it was like to be so deep in that pit and be pulled out by Him?

So, I'm still thinking on it but I'm thinking that just as I take some time away with my hubby, I need to take some time away with my Savior. Maybe it's a day trip to the spa, or my favorite little hideaway at the park, where I can read through my journal and write out my gratitude for the year behind me. I need some time of remembrance. I never want to forget where I've been because it makes me who I am today. Just some thoughts...

Will Write Soon!

I can't even begin to tell you all that has gone on over the last 3-4 weeks. We're moved and I'm exhausted. I feel so overwhelmed every time I even think about writing on my blog because there's been so many emotions, transitions, thoughts, breakthroughs, and some heartaches for me. Nothing I can really even put my finger on...it's just been a crazy couple of months and I feel like life just came to a screeching hault! Our traveling for the summer is done and we are settled for the most part. I often write down ideas for things I want to share and then when I have time to write, I just don't even know where to begin. So, this is a start and I will write more soon. There may be multiple posts in one day so check back when you can! My love to you all...thanks for being a part of my blog.

Moving...

Well, David and I are in the throws of packing and moving this weekend. I won't have internet hooked up again until next Friday so I'm temporarily signing off. Maybe I'll get a chance before then to blog :)

Writer's block breakthrough

Writer’s block breakthrough

I have had the worst writer's block lately. I've thought and thought and thought about what to write on my blog, serious or silly. And every time I thought about it, nothing. I just couldn't get on my blog and blab on an on unless something was really "upon my soul".

It's funny how I come about this whole process. Most of the time something will just hit me and I know I have to immediately sit down and blog. I'm actually at work and risking writing this blog right now which means this will probably be a short one. Or it will take me all day to write this!

I’ve been having one of those weird mornings. I got up, spent time with the Lord, got ready for work, and already felt my mind drifting away from the subjects I had studied in the Word. I’m frustrated by this because I want my heart to be genuinely submitted before the Lord. I was learning about keeping my eyes upward and casting my gaze on the Lord. I want this so much but then I find I’m totally distracted only moments later. It only makes me wonder where my heart truly is.

I got to work, someone had rock music on in the background, it’s about 75 degrees outside, and this is definitely not where I feel like being right now. I don’t even feel like a Starbucks. What’s wrong with me??? How do I go about my work, stay focused, give it my all, all the while, keeping my eyes on the Lord? I’m really struggling with how to keep my heart in the right place all the while working on curriculum.

Well, finally, in an attempt to try something different, I grabbed my headphones and ipod out of my purse. With all the choices to choose from, it was clear what I needed. My brother and sister-in-law just got me onto this new group called Telecast (maybe their not new at all…just new to me). Let me tell you, their music has the ability to put your heart in the right place! I truly felt transformed. As I began working on all my curriculum projects I had this music ringing in my ears. My heart was suddenly transformed. I feel energized, worshipful, positive, and I feel like I suddenly have a clear mind. Why is it so difficult for me to realize that when I have a crummy day or when I roll out of bed and just feel blah, the answer is Jesus…yes…the typical Sunday school answer. But it’s TRUE!!!

I suddenly began tapping my feet and found it difficult to keep quiet to those around me who had no idea what I was listening to. I just wanted to start singing along when I realized I’m not all by myself here in the office. Being quiet, though, and allowing the songs to infiltrate my mind, I am singing on the inside!

Focusing my heart and mind on Him, keeping my gaze upward, filling my mind and heart with worshipful music truly transforms my HEART, SOUL, MIND, and STRENGTH and I find I am loving Him more, even as I sit here and work.

Psalm 98:4: Shout joyfully to the LORD, all the earth; Break forth and sing for joy and sing praises.

If your day is anything like mine: full of distraction, full of frustration, full of people, full of work…go ahead…put on some music…sing. It really does change the heart!

Oh Lord I come
Come before your throne
Just as I’m known, I long to know you
More and more
I hear your knock oh Lord
I’ll open this door just to be by you

If I want love I’ll come to the cross
If I want life I’ll count this life loss
Anchor my soul, don’t let me drift away

If I want peace I’ll come to the King
If I want release then you’ll have to be the
Anchor of my soul, don’t let me drift away

Jesus I will stay with you
I will stay

It's good to be back!

When life is overwhelming...

It's been awhile! I apologize...I've been in Colorado celebrating my dad's 60th birthday.

Someone recently asked me about writing more about my anxiety and posting more frequently. Let me just say, I only write when God places something on my heart of utmost importance to share. I have a very hard time coming to the computer and writing unless there is genuinely something important or urgent on my heart. So, forgive me for not writing as often. Sometimes there are multiple things in one day I need to share, and other times it seems I'm all dried up!

I just started a Beth Moore Bible study on the Psalms and I'm so excited about it already. It's so interesting to me how I have a tendency to draw away from God when I feel anxious. This is probably one of the most frustrating parts. Anxiety is probably one of the most lonely, scary, fearful, and dreadful emotions I can think of and in those moments I often feel so distant from God. I hate it. As a Christian, I know all the right answers and I know I'm supposed to just trust God and go to Him when I feel this way. But it's not that easy and Satan knows that it is the easiest way for me to be drawn away from my Savior, my Master, my life support.

Through this process I have really clung to certain song lyrics and that's partly why I'm so excited about this study on the Psalms. One song in particular that has been so comforting to me is one by Bebo Norman and the chorus is:

When the waters rise
They will not pull me under
When the mountain slides
And crashes to the sea
I will lift my eyes
And call out to you Father
Be my covering!!!

This is the perfect description of how I feel when I'm anxious. But my Father IS my covering, regardless of how insecure I feel. He is my stronghold. He is there whether I feel Him or not.

Whether you struggle with anxiety or some other type of stronghold may I encourage you to do something. Take some time, 10 or 15 minutes, and glance through the entire book of Psalms. Let me just say, you will reach the end and be so filled by its words. I know it seems like a large task but it really isn't. You will be so blessed. I did that this morning and found that my eyes fell upon certain phrases and I couldn't get my highlighter fast enough. I found myself highlighting phrases that described me and that were so comforting to me. I'm excited to go back through and highlight more. My hope is that in that moment of fear and anxiety when I'm feeling far from God, I can open my Bible to the Psalms and see those highlighted phrases jump off the page. I don't think I ever realized before how anxious the psalmist David felt in his own life. I was so comforted by his words and the realization that someone else knew exactly how I felt and was able to articulate it to God and be able to praise Him at the same time.

So, when life seems overwhelming and you feel like you don't even know where to go, may I encourage you to go to the Psalms and just allow your eyes to skim the pages. You will find that the Holy Spirit leads you to phrases that you need to hear. Highlight them, underline them, or whatever you need to do to be able to recognize them at a moments notice. Then, the next time you are feeling low, overwhelmed, anxious, afraid, lost, confused, etc., may you return to the Psalms and be reminded of the God who never leaves you and who longs for you to be intimately connected with Him!

I hope that it is as encouraging, fulfilling, and comforting to you as it is to me!

Are you ever thankful for a trial?

Hello my dear friends. We are finally over the flu...I hope. It's so nice to not be living off of Chicken Noodle soup and Gatorade!!!

It's been a long time since my last post and I feel like so much has happened. It's hard to even know where to begin or express all that's going on in my own heart.

Let me start by saying that this post has been extremely difficult to write. I have re-written it about 8 times. I even posted it and ended up coming back and deleting it. It’s not easy to write about and I often struggle with what to share and how to share it. So, here’s the latest attempt. I apologize if it’s hard to follow.

Let me start my story here...we're moving. NOT out of Corona, but nonetheless, we're moving. This past Saturday was the first day we woke up and were not plagued by dizziness and we jumped in the car and did some errands together. We grabbed our favorite drinks at Starbucks and we were just loving the time together. We got home and there was a notice on our door. I assumed it was to let us know that once again they'd be raising our rent with the renewal of our lease this month. On the contrary, it was a notice that we had to be out of our apartment by June 30th due to company-wide renovations.

LONG LONG story short, we have found a new place to live. As my post title suggests, I have no idea what God is up to but David and I both have the sense that God is removing us from this place fast. We debated all sorts of things and spent hours on Craig's List looking at options. Do we transfer to an already-renovated apartment on this same property for a much higher price and same amount of space? Do we look at rental houses? Do we move closer to my new job? Do we stay in Corona? Do we look at apartments? It was crazy. Amazingly, the very FIRST place I found on Craig's list and the very LAST place we ended up looking at has become our new home, starting July 2nd. For almost the same price to get a small apartment at our current location, we are getting a much much bigger, two-story apartment. We've never made a decision so fast. We got our notice around noon and we were putting money down and filling out applications for a new apartment at 6 that night. It was CRAZY! But, it was blatantly obvious that this was our new home.

The point of this story is to relate it to my struggle with anxiety. The other night I was driving home from something and for whatever reason, I started to feel that pit in my stomach. I felt it growing and growing. It was a good ‘ole fashioned bout of anxiety. It’s been awhile since this has happened. I suddenly felt like I was taking 20 steps backward from how far I’d come. I was so frustrated. As soon as these feelings start, my anxiety usually starts attaching itself to irrational thoughts: “what if I die on the way home?” “What if something happens to Dave?” “what if something happens to someone I love?”

Throughout counseling I have learned that this is just the cycle of irrational thoughts I get stuck in when my anxiety starts to surface. I try to ignore it but by doing so, the anxiety builds like a huge pot of boiling water. I immediately turned on the radio as a distraction, hoping it would transport me to a different emotional state. It was uncanny. Every song on every station was some sappy love song talking about a loved one passing away. So, I tried the Christian talk station. The topic? The frailty of life. My anxiety was about to hit the roof. I couldn’t ignore it.

As a side bar, let me say that this is often how anxiety works. It starts this cycle of emotions and irrational thoughts and will attach itself to anything it can get a hold of, usually because there are some feelings deep down that have not be brought to the surface. Rarely, do those thought patterns connect with the real reason for the anxiety. Over the past couple of years, I’ve learned to recognize this pattern and when I start peeling back the layers, I find the real cause for the anxiety. My anxiety usually surfaces because I’ve ignored something and the feelings start to build and build and build inside until anxiety finally takes over.

I knew I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer so I burst through the door, broke down, and told Dave I was feeling really anxious. He immediately wrapped his arms around me, knowing that I feel very insecure in these moments. He asked me what I needed and I told him I knew I needed to journal this out and figure out where the anxiety was coming from.

I’m always amazed when I start journaling, where I end up. It’s a very interesting thought process. One of the triggers for my anxiety is life transition. This is fairly common for those who struggle with anxiety. As I journaled, I realized how many transitions I was currently dealing with and I really hadn’t taken any time to process the emotions of those transitions. Big or small, it doesn’t matter the size of the transition. It doesn’t even matter if it’s a positive or negative transition, it’s just that’s it’s a change. Some of the biggies: starting a new job and moving out of our home. I realized how much the change was affecting me even though it’s positive change.

As I journaled, I couldn’t help being so frustrated. Why was I struggling with this again? Why was the anxiety back? I thought I had conquered it. I thought it was over. I thought I had broken free from this stronghold. Why why why??? Well, God reminded me that it’s not about me becoming independent. It’s about me recognizing my need for dependence and rather than placing it on something futile, I need to be totally dependent on my Savior. I realized God used the anxiety that night to drive me right back into His arms. Through all the change and distraction, I think I’d drifted my attention away a little.

It was a good reminder that my anxiety is not gone. It probably will be there the rest of my life. Have I learned to deal with it? Yes. Have I learned to control it? Yes. Do I stumble and fall still? YES! As odd as this sounds, I'm actually thankful for my anxiety because I've never had something that drives me to my knees, and sometimes on my face, more than in these moments. Truthfully, I think it's because of my struggle that I'm constantly driven back into the loving arms of my Heavenly Father when I start to drift away. Without these experiences, I'm not sure I would dig so deep and cling so tight to the One in whom I have eternal security and everlasting relationship.

If this rings true for any one else out there, my heart genuinely goes out to you and I’m on this journey with you. I've often felt so alone in this process and I'm always comforted when I realize that there are so many others who deal with this same trial...or even a different trial but the same life lessons. I'm so thankful we're not alone in this and that we have each other to cling to.

down with the flu...

Ok...this is my third and last post for today, I promise. Dave and I have been down with the flu for several days. We've watched movies, eaten a ton of chicken noodle soup, cheese and crackers, read by the fire. What's left to do? BLOG! So, don't miss the 2 posts before this one!

Just a quick update: Dave had to cancel his 10K this weekend due to the flu. Sad sad sad. We almost went to get the free t-shirt (how sad are we?) but decided we would feel too bummed not to be there for the run. So, until further notice, we are down with the flu. Hopefully he can enter another race soon. He thinks I should be ready to run a 5K with him by August. HA!

Am I already getting old?

Yes, I know....two posts in one day. But I HAD to share a story. So, if you've read the post below, you know that I've been working for a tutoring company. Half of my job is to manage an after-school tutoring program at a local elementary school. I have about 9 tutors and 45 kids. They referred to me as the "tutoring principal" as I am the final say on discipline...ok...stop laughing. :0)

I got to know the kids really well. I would joke around with them here and there but this conversation made me feel old...or dumb:

Set-up: It was after the program and we were all waiting in front of the school for the students to be picked up. There was one student left:

Marci: "Hey man, what's up?"

Student: "what?"

Marci: "How's it hangin'?"

Student: blank stares, "huh?"

Marci: "What's the haps bro?"

Student: no response...more blank stares

Marci: "Just chillin' like a villain?"

Student: "I don't get you"

Ok...am I old? Clearly I am using slang that works in my generation. He doesn't get me??? HELP!!! I guess I need to brush up on the latest phrases. Scary! But it still makes me laugh! I guess I'm not cool!

Out with the old...in with the new...

Not only have the last couple of years been an emotional journey, they've also been a "job hunt" journey. As many of you know, I've been on quite the job turnaround the last few years. It's been interesting! Graduating from college and getting a full-time job is not what you think it's going to be. Rarely do you graduate and land that perfect job you'll be in for years to come.

Right after graduating and getting married, I taught at a private elementary school for one year. Within that year, David ended up getting the job he's in now and was commuting an hour away until I finished teaching. Right after I finished the school year, we packed up and moved closer to his work. The plan? For me to stop working and start having a family. HA! God had a totally different plan.

Thus my very interesting journey through jobs: substitute teaching, receptionist, and then one of my all-time favorite jobs:

That's right...I'm still considered a "certified barista"!!! If you look closely you will notice that this picture was around Christmastime and boy oh boy is that the best time of the year! It was so much fun! One of the best things I got out of the deal was an espresso machine. It's amazing! And I can whip up just about anything...Dave's gotten very good at it too...although I think he's determined to become "more certified" than me :)

Anyhoo, throughout that process I was in counseling and it was the best job I could have imagined during such an intense time of life. Who doesn't just want to decompress by whipping up some foam or frappuccino's? There were MANY times during this journey I sat and thought, "I have a degree in education and a year of teaching under my belt. And I work at Starbucks. What am I doing?" But God had a purpose even in that.

I ended up having to get another job and started with a tutoring company. Before I knew it, they had offered me a management position part-time and were also curious if I would start writing their phonics curricula. Things started out slow but I really started enjoying my job. It was awesome!

BUT, I had to give up Starbucks. It was time to move on but oh how I miss my discount! TANGENT: By the time all my papers were processed there, I still enjoyed my benefits for a couple of months. And yes, we loaded up! One of the biggest complaints I heard was how expensive everything is there. With my discount, I didn't really pay much attention. Now I know! And there's a Starbucks right next to our tutoring center!!!!

All that to say...I had my evaluation about two weeks ago and to my surprise they offered me a full-time job as a curriculum developer. I'm sooooooo excited! It won't officially start until the Fall but I have a bunch of summer projects to start working on! I will be creating an outline for an elementary math curriculum and will also be finishing up phonics. I will be training tutors and continuing to check in on their progress with the curricula! It's amazing. I wanted to respond by saying, "Wait, you want to just offer me a job??? You mean I don't have to start looking through the newspaper every morning and faxing my resume? You mean I don't have to have an account with Monster.com anymore? You seriously just want to give me a job? Umm..ok...I'LL TAKE IT!!!"

God is so good...all the time...God is good! He allowed me to have some fun at Starbucks during a very hard emotional time. And right as I have tied up the loose ends on my counseling, He drops this job on my plate. Very exciting!

Just thought many of you out there may not know what I even do these days! I understand...it's changed MULTIPLE times! Hopefully I will get to stay here for awhile. I absolutely LOVE the job, the people, and the atmosphere. It's my niche. I even like it better than teaching!!!! So, I will keep you updated! It definitely has the potential to turn into an at-home job when children come our way! Love you all!

What do you set your eyes on in the morning?

During my counseling, one of things that always tugged at my heart was a feeling of loneliness or emptiness. I could never really put my finger on it and I was never sure why it was there or what I was missing.

The days I woke up that way, I made many attempts to fill that hole with things that cheer me up: emails, blogs, TV, coffee, etc. Did I feel better after that? Yeah, sometimes. But it was a temporary fix…a bandaid to mask the lonliness for a little while. Amazing how I couldn’t get it through that thick skull that the only thing that would fill me was time with God.

I remember feeling mad that my husband wasn’t filling me enough and my counselor said, “Marci, that’s not his job!!!” My response, “What? But, isn’t he supposed to love and serve me and take care of me???” Yes! But she said something that totally changed my perspective, “Marci, the only thing that fills that hole is God! Your cup must be full in Him before you can give to others. You give of yourself out of the overflow and others may increase your overflow. But it is no one else’s job to fill Marci except the Lord.” Whoa! That’s a change in perspective!

Do you ever have days you wake up and think, “I just know it…this is going to be a bad day!” That’s me today. I woke up later than I wanted, Dave was already gone, and I was totally unmotivated to do anything. As usual, my mind immediately went to things that I thought might cheer me up and make me feel better. I made coffee, turned on Good Morning America, checked my email, looked at some blogs. But I knew I was making a choice of how to spend my morning. And if it continued as it was going, I would leave for work and feel just as empty as I did when I woke up.

I forced myself to shut down my email, turn off the TV, heat up my coffee, and grab my Bible. Sometimes I think reading the Bible is going to make me feel more exhausted and worn out. What a lie! It’s amazing how Satan will do anything to keep you from intimate time with the Lord. And I don't even have kids yet :0)

I turned on some worship music, sat down and began working on my Bible study. It became evident that my heart had an immediate shift. I was suddenly reminded of what I had learned from my counselor. When I wake up and I am running on empty, I need to run to my Father’s feet and be filled. Anything else would be putting my mind and heart on things that ultimately are unfulfilling and I would be set in the wrong direction. Instead of asking God to come down and be with me and walk with me, I need to go to Him, cling to him, and walk with HIM!!!

2 Timothy 2:13 says, “If we are faithless, He remains Faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.”

Oh how thankful I am that God cannot be anything other than He truly is. Even when I am unfaithful, He remains faithful to me, always beckoning me to come closer to Him.

I don’t know if your day has started out like mine, but if so, go spend some time with your Father. You will be refreshed, rejuvenated, and your heart will overflow! During my time with God, I had a sense to blog about this so I hope it's an encouragement to someone out there today!

ah...how times have changed...

Well, two very serious posts...it's time for something on the lighter side...I'll never forget what it was like being a newlywed. In some ways, I guess we still are. We will be celebrating 4 years this coming July. But I remember what it was like to have all of our new gifts and gadgets. I set the table every night before bed for breakfast the next morning. I was just enthralled in our new dishes. I guess that's just because I'm fanatical about cooking and kitchen stuff! I remember making apple pie, Nutella crepes, and pizookie on a REGULAR basis. I'll never forget the first or second Christmas at home when David's grandfather, Ponnie said, "Wow Marci, you really are feeding him well." My response, "Yeah, I think so." Well, cleary it was beginning to show...

BEFORE:


We've been losing weight for awhile now and almost to our goals. But I was looking through iphoto and found the picture above and I lost it! I was cracking up! Ponnie was right! I was definitely feeding us and clearly "chubbing" us up pretty well! David was on a business trip and I sent this to him as an encouragement of how far we've come. Being a sweetheart and true husband he said, "Well, Marci, I definitely see the difference in you but I'm not sure about me." YEAH RIGHT!!! He has lost so much weight but I appreciate the affirmation! I'm amazed how we didn't really notice it until we started losing weight. The pic above is from Christmas 2005 and I'm glad to see we've settled into married life more and gotten back to eating healthy!

David and I just recently joined a gym and we are having so much fun with it. It's ended up being a really fun way to spend time together and I think we both have found our own routines to become a personal hobby. David is training for his first 10K and it's exciting to see him come to enjoy something so much.

We bought a Magic Bullet last weekend and for those of you who haven't used one, let me just say, YES, it's as fast as a bullet! Only 1 minute of blending, and "taddah" you have a delicious, perfectly blended smoothie! We have really enjoyed making them and have even started adding tofu to our smoothies. YUM!!!

Below is the most recent pic I have from March. Clearly, I need to be better about taking pics!

AFTER:
Hopefully, I will have some pics of his 10K in a couple of weeks. I've run with him a couple of times in hopes that one day I can maybe, possibly, conceivably, do a Turkey Trot (5K). I'm pretty impressed that he's going right for the 10K.

Ok...I have to stop procrastinating now and go do my workout :0)

Where my journey started...

Well, I mentioned in my first blog that the past couple of years have been some of the hardest. I thought I would talk about that a little bit as it is the coming out of that that has led to the creation of this blog.

It's been almost 2 years since I had my very first anxiety attack. It was one of the most scary, dark, frightening experiences I've ever had and my heart goes out to anyone who has struggled with anxiety. I had never had one before and I don't think I even knew what was going on at the time.

That led to a vicious cycle of anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and constant fear, never as bad as the first anxiety attack, but there was always this anticipation that it would come back. Because of the immense amount of stress and fear I was going through, my body started showing physical symptoms. I just didn't know what was wrong with me or why I was going through this. I felt so alone and so ashamed because I'm a Christian and felt like I shouldn't struggle with fear. I even became angry at God for allowing me to continue to be afraid and not rescuing me.

I tried many things to distract me from my anxiety or put a mask over it but it became too much to bear alone. I was amazed when I opened up about it how many people actually struggle with the same thing. It was so encouraging to realize that I wasn't alone and that everything I felt was a textbook case of anxiety. A very precious woman, a retired marriage and family therapist, from my church immediately met with me and assured me that everything I felt was very common and that I really needed some counseling to dig deeper.

It took me a long time to summon up the courage to go to counseling as I was afraid of what I might uncover. But I finally found a Christian woman I could go to and that started one of the most amazing journeys in my life. My anxiety immediately was dealt with and within just a few weeks we were peeling back the layers of why the anxiety existed in the first place. I can actually say now that I'm thankful for my anxiety because it forced me to get some help and I don't know that I would have pursued help unless my anxiety had been heightened.

I ended up doing the Beth Moore study "Breaking Free" while I was in counseling and I truly believe they went hand-in-hand. I don't think I could have done one without the other. God taught me so many amazing things and I truly believe I have broken free.

I will not go into all that I've learned through counseling because I just don't have enough space but I can tell you that at the core of my being, what I truly feared was the answers to "Am I loved?" and "Am I known?" That filtered through all of my relationships, including the most important one...my relationship with Jesus. I began questioning, "Does God truly know me and if He does, could He possibly still truly love me?"

Well, of course God's timing is amazing because right after I finished Breaking Free I was able to go to the Beth Moore conference in San Diego. Wouldn't it just be the Lord to put it on her heart to speak on Psalm 139??? The entire conference was all about being known and loved by God. What an AMAZING God to bring all of this together!!! Beth gave us 8 phrases based on this scripture and I would just love to share them with you:

1. O LORD...I am known
2. O LORD...I need to be known
3. O LORD...I'm scared to be known
4. O LORD...I've always been known
5. O LORD...I can know because I'm known
6. O LORD...my enemies are known
7. O LORD...my anxieties are known
8. O LORD...Search me and KNOW me!

If you have a chance, look up Psalm 139 in conjunction with these phrases. It is so comforting and refreshing to remember these truths!

You have no idea how hesitant I feel to press the button "publish post" because it is so vulnerable and hard to just put out there. However, it is because of this journey that I even created this blog and if you don't know this part of me then you won't truly be able to know me. This has shaped me in a very significant way and has revolutionized my relationship with God. My prayer is that this would be an encouragement to someone else out there too. I can't even count anymore the number of people I have met who are struggling with anxiety, had no one to talk to, and were ashamed as I was to admit it. My heart is with every single one of them.

Alright...time to wrap it up for now. There's so much to share but I better not share it all in one post!!! I PROMISE GIRLS...my posts will NOT be this long every time. I just needed to put this out there first. I also don't intend this blog to always be serious as I would love to share funny stories, recipes, ponderings...all sorts of things. When God layed it on my heart to start this blog I couldn't stop writing in my journal all the things I wanted to share with you. So, I'm very excited! I will share more of my journey as time goes on but for now this is a summary of what I've been through.

Thanks for your interest and I'm humbled by your willingness to read! You are all so dear to me! Thanks for the comments so far! They truly lifted me up and brightened my soul!

It's all in the name...

Welcome! This is a very new venture for me and I'm very new to the blogging world. I'm excited to have a place to just put my thoughts out there. I have been longing for a place that would provide edifying, encouraging, fun, loving conversation woman to woman. Interestingly enough, God placed it on my heart to not just sit around and wait for these kinds of conversations but to start them myself. The last couple of years have been some of the toughest, yet most rewarding times in my life (more on this later). I have so much that I would love to share in hopes that there may be someone out there who needs encouragement, who is struggling right along side me, or who has been through a rough patch and can encourage me! I welcome your comments and would love for this to be more of a forum for provoking thoughts, laughter, tears, questions, encouragement, and edification!

I was always hesitant to start my own blog as I felt I didn't have children to dote on yet. But God clearly was speaking to my heart yesterday saying, "why not just have a place you can journal and share your thoughts?" So, here is my attempt at that. This is me at some of my most vulnerable places and commentary on what life brings along and what God is teaching me.

Now to comment on the name of my blog. My precious husband and I sat down with a host of names and ideas for this blog and what it should be called. I will not bore you with some of them but I will tell you we got a good laugh out of the experience. Then, through some research online I happened upon an old phrase, "upon my soul." It is a phrase used as an exclamation of surprise. That pretty much sums up what I thought when God prompted me to start this blog. But, as I pondered this phrase last night, it began growing on me and I realized it was perfect for what I wanted this blog to be about. It's about what is upon my soul...the deepest thoughts in my heart. I hope you enjoy. I am humbled by the idea that anyone would even be interested in reading this blog and I recognize I may be all alone here. But if you are happening upon this blog, I hope you are edified!